Really...Just really?

REALLY.

After 4 interviews (yes that's not a typo, F-O-U-R) and job shadowing for a potential employer I didn't get a job offer. I really feel like I was led on by this organization. I mean who wouldn't after not 3, but 4 interviews plus taking additional time to sit in an job shadow for a morning not think they were going to get a job offer? And every email back and forth stated, "You are still being considered for the job." Yes tears shed and even more tears shed this morning as I found out I didn't get a job offer at another employer which to be honest is the job I really wanted more. The biggest hug in the world couldn't make me feel better right now. 

I don't know what to do. I do know having a college education is the biggest joke. It doesn't get you any further in the work place and puts you $40,000 + in the hole and God only knows how those loans will ever be paid back. I also know that no employer wants to interview me when I haven't worked in almost 2 years. In actuality this is the hardest I have ever worked in the last two years. I have applied for so many positions only to keep being turned down one after another. And staying home with two kids is the hardest (but most rewarding) position I have ever held, it's hard work. And what potential employer is to judge me for not working for 2 years if I have been home with my kids. It's so sad that I am discounted from these positions.  This would be so different if we didn't have kids. I could afford to take a $9 hour factory job since that is as far as my education and work experience is taking me. 

To say life isn't blissful right now would be a huge understatement. Doug took a new job earlier this month, but only 17 days into a commission based job makes us raising two kids on what is a half a income. That just doesn't work. I worry about everything all the time. I don't have time to smile, laugh or be happy. I am passed the point of questioning God anymore. He's made it pretty apparent I deserve what I am getting.   

Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness was wrong. Money pays the bills, feeds our kids and keeps a roof over our heads. Everyone says keep on swimming, but I am at that point where I am a fish without any fins and I am drowning.

I keep thinking about the future when I should be focusing on the present and at this moment taking it day by day or at this very moment hour by hour. However the present situation we are in,  I don't want to live in. I want to get out and run into the future as fast as I can. If there is a possibility something could be better I'd take that chance. 

Life as we know it.

Putting my feelings into words has never been so difficult. Most people that know me, know I am hardly ever without words and I am probably one of the most honest person that you'll ever meet.

Many of you have been keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers as our family is going through a very difficult time. I haven't chose go public with things because honestly I haven't been able to put myself together and face this for this a second time.

Doug lost his job earlier this month. Didn't we just go through this 16 months ago? Yep, we did. In the last 18 months we have gone from 2 jobs to 1 job to 0 jobs to 1 job to 0 jobs.

How am I surviving? I don't think I have woken up yet. I walked around the first few days in as if I was a robot. I didn't really feel, think or basically exist on planet Earth. Some days I still feel like I am off somewhere else, but the rest of the days have been filled constant worry and the level anxiety I didn't even know existed. I can't cry anymore because I don't have tears left.

Is this my life, is this as good as it gets? Yep, I question that about 100 times a day. On the road to losing our basic needs of food, clothing and shelter. This is so freaking awesome. A life I have always wanted to live...

I am an angry person right now. But really after everything we have gone through in the last 18 months it's pretty justified. I have had enough lessons that life isn't fair. I get it already. And I have to put my two cents in that the "Minnesota Employment at will" has to be one of the most fucked up systems we have in place in this great state.

Where do we go from here? Well as Dory would put it...."Just keep on swimming, keep on swimming." I am going to continue to battle life even if I feel like I am losing.

Doug and I both have been interviewing. I had phone and two face to face interviews with a potential employer and I am job shadowing later this week at that establishment. I am really hopeful for this position, it's one of the few jobs I have applied for and actually wanted since losing my job. Our community lacks well paying jobs and our neighboring communities haven't had much to offer. The market is pretty bleak.

I have never wanted so bad to feel secure again... It sounds so petty but I miss shopping trips, I miss buying things I wanted, heck I miss buying my favorite make-up remover. This sucks. I shouldn't complain...I KNOW. I should be happy I am a live (though I don't feel like it) and generally speaking I am healthy, but again I don't feel that way. I am sucky mom because I am stressed out all the FREAKING time. I am crappy wife because I am stressed out all the time. They say money doesn't buy happiness... I don't know if I agree with that anymore. I can't say we have hit rock bottom because I am leaving more room failure, struggle and anything else that wants to be thrown in the mix.

I can be a problem solver for everyone else, but when it comes to myself I am helpless. I guess this is the social worker part in me. I just wish I could fix this, fix our situation and just make everything better. I believe in miracles and part of me still really wants to believe in God. I miss feeling like I am living rather than pretending life is ok, because it's not. I remember what it feels like to be happy and I remember what it feels like belly laugh and most of all I remember how it feels to live.

Life isn't about being fair, but it doesn't have to be cruel either.

Realism.

It's been over two months since the last entry. This isn't me... Well it seems these days I don't know who me really is anymore. It's no doubt it was a really long, long winter. It's also been another 2 months of living day by day, hoping and praying for something good to happen for our family. I have to admit I have lost a lot of faith in God and have really started doubted him. It's probably not the best time feel this way, but is anytime really a good time?  I am sure I am being judged by everyone for saying this, feeling this, but I am ok with that. This is me (I think), this is where I am in life and where I am going... I have no idea.

Living life each day at time...It's easier said than done. When I lost my job 17 months ago not only did life change, I changed. It's been good, it's been bad, and it's been really bad. I have spent the last year and half applying for jobs---last count I was at over 35 resumes sent out. Nothing. Today I applied for 3 more jobs. Right on the application of one of position wanted detailed information as to why I was fired. To be brutally honest it sucks. I am a good person who deserves good job opportunity. I am educated, experienced but none of that matters when you have been fired. Fired for something I didn't even do... something I could never explain myself to because I was fired before I even given the chance to.  I am pretty much un-hire-able (yes I think I just made up that term). No one wants a Social Worker that can take decent photos.  Apparently there isn't a hot market for those qualities. They say the unemployment rate in Minnesota is as lowest---well if you read more detailed it's the lowest because many people have just stopped looking for work. I can see why... And what's available for jobs won't even cover daycare expenses or requires weekend work in which Doug works every single weekend already... I think I have greater odds willing the lottery than I do landing a quality job.

Where do I go from here? Up/down? Probably in circles.

All of this probably didn't help that Doug became unemployed the same time I did. That is the day we kissed our savings goodbye and moved to survival mode. It's the cutting the grocery bill in half and just making it work---it's trying to figure out do you pay electricity or water bill this month...It's the not being able to drive to zoo, because extra gas isn't in our budget. There isn't extra of that green stuff anywhere. I remember when $100 didn't seem like much...now $10 feels like $100. Money was never anything we really paid attention too before job loss. Now, it's all I ever think about. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Life isn't supposed to be easy...so I guess it's supposed to be hard? I never imagined I would be in this place in life and if I had imagined it, it would never be for this long.

I am so glad I have these two little boys in my life that hold me together, even when I am falling apart. I'm  glad they are so young, they don't realize what is going on and everyday is just an awesome new day.

 

First born.

It's hard to believe that this guy is entering kindergarten this fall. Five years ago I wasn't a mom. I always remembering wanting kids one day...for sure one, maybe two, definitely not three.

Things change after your first is born and suddenly you can't imagine or hardly remember life pre-kids. I'm sure I looked better, actually slept and wasn't up blogging at 2 am :). So, so much is different that if I were to name everything I wouldn't go to bed tonight...but lets just say it's a good different.

I admit I struggle with going back and forth with someday will there be a #3? Two is enough for Doug and he's made that clear from day Miles was born. But on the day Miles was born... that first look into his eyes, new life, new start new everything is so completely and utterly amazing. I can't help but want to feel that feeling again and bring to the world new life.

I'm 30. I figure I have roughly 6-8 more years to decide whether to have another baby or not (and convince my decided husband). So it was a bit of a reality check at my doctors appointment when my doctor said, "you should decide pretty soon if you want to have another baby given your age."

After I got over the initial OMG. I did a little study on statistics and fertility and it is a reality that 30 is downfall to reproductively not to mention I am super high risk and I am someone who actually has to try to get pregnant. All odds against me.

This makes me a little sad. Reality sucks sometimes.

However in talking to my doctor he said, it's rare, even after a women gets her tubes tied not to want or ever not have urge or want to have another baby. I never really thought about it this way. I have friends who just say they just knew they were done and I have others teetering in the same spot I am in. Its just a realization if there is ever a baby #3 someday it's likely I still would come back to this very same feeling/place. Damn these women hormones.

For now... I need to know that it's ok with not even knowing if I (we) will ever be done having kids, life will decide that.








 

The other side of the camera.

It's true... Once a year I manage to get in front of the camera.

I am not a fan of what time is doing to me, so you will rarely see me in a selfie or in any photo at all.  The hardest part is the wrinkles followed by my gummy smile. I guess I think backwards a few years--- I didn't think you lost youth so fast. I'm pretty sure I aged 10 years in the past few. I joke sometimes when I see people from high school looking so young and then I remember... "Oh yeah they don't have kids." This means they get enough sleep, have time to work out, have more disposable income to dress more stylish. Meanwhile I wear my yoga pants and sweat shirt with my hair pinned up everday.

This has been such a busy fall, so I scheduled our family photos back in September when A. I knew it would be warmer. B. The leaves hadn't changed yet.

We have done photos in the spring, fall, winter both early and mid summer so this was the in between. As much as I like fall portraits... I am not a fan of leaves as a backdrop come February. By February I am ready for summer and summer always looks fabulous on the walls.

Speaking of walls... Our whole downstairs is getting painted this winter (really Doug it is). It's been 10 years and 2 kids later and our walls show pen, dings, and unremoveable grim--they are gross and I am so ready for a make over; I just need to get the hubby on board.  I plan to paint our living room a shade of blue actually the paint sample reads, "blue willow." Over the last few weeks I have moved most of the kids living room toys to the play room. This has been an awesome decision.  Half of the toys would just get dragged out and never played with and just created a huge mess. Since moving the shelves up to the playroom, it's opened up a whole wall in our living room. I am planning to get some eclectic frames in various colors and make it our photo wall.

You would think being a photographer and all I would have these giant awesome prints on my wall. I have one and we own 4 small canvases. The most recent photo in our living room is small 4X6 family portrait of us when Miles was 6 month old, so that was only 1.5 year ago. I am a horrible printer and I hate it. I am so excited for this can of paint. I think it will be a whole new beginning to this room in which we spend most of our time. With the paint, some new toss pillows, a throw and wall of photos will make our living room the only room I will want to be in.

Here is a peek at our family mini session. I didn't order any prints of Harrison since I just took his 5 year portraits which I fully intend to get edited by his fifth birthday, FOR REAL. And you'll see a few more of just Doug and I in this series. I expressed to Karin that I wanted some good couple shots and  one I could blow up HUGE for our wall. I want to blow all of these images up huge.

One year later.

It's been a while since I blogged a little bit life these days. Next week marks one year since I lost my job and began this new life of a part time stay at home mom & full time photographer. The journey has been full of twists as turns. Never did I ever imagine that my house would be dirtier when I was home more, nor did I imagine I would be using every once of down time editing photos or planning sessions and spending 3 hour some days just replying to e-mails. I can't remember the last TV show or movie I watched that I didn't have the lap top on my lap editing through the entire program. I thought somehow I would have time to play with the kids, keep the house clean, stay on top of laundry, have dinner made and stay of editing both professionally and personally and be the perfect wife. Never did I ever expect that everyday would be more of survival mode and I would be a 24/7 referee between brothers and I would have gone on two dates in 12 months.

Some days I feel like I totally suck as a mom. Especially the days I have to cut our fun short at the park, so we can rush home, eat lunch and take a nap, so Momma can work. Sadly, work revolves around nap time, well basically nap time is meal planning, editing, e-mails, laundry, house work. It's like cramming in 8 hours of work into 2-3 hours. I am never caught up. This poor blog is neglected itself. I have about a zillion photos to edit, but obviously not the time for it. In fact I should be doing a ton of other things right now other than blogging.

Sometimes I forget to breathe. Honestly. Some days or a lot of days I don't have enough patience or even a sliver time to shave off anything on a to do list. With how much is constantly going on I don't breathe a lot of the time, or sleep or really do anything by myself. This is when I totally realized---I am a MOM.

I own more sweats than a PE teacher. Honestly... Have you seen me lately? If the show, "What Not To Wear" was still on the air, Stacey and Clinton would be sure to call in an emergency with my wardrobe of sweats, yoga and wind shorts, not to mention I can't remember the last time I curled my hair or painted my nails. But at the very least, at I don't wear my pajamas to Walmart (well not yet anyways).

I worry a lot. After a year of loss of my best friend, my job, my husband's job and hurdles of unemployment, lawyers and trying put  a business together without ever taking a single business class (I have BA in Social Work)---everything has been a giant leap in to a pool of uncertainty. I would be lying to say that I am not petrified of not being busy enough this winter to keep up with the business. It's my first winter handing non-season without primary job or even a secondary.

Being "fired," did a lot good and bad. The good is that I don't have to be mistreated by an employer who violated Human Rights and then terminated me by the a Minnesota Law "Employment at will." The state is still currently investigating the charge and I have moved on to filing as well in the court system since my former employer is not willing to talk settlement outside of court. Some day I keep telling myself this will be over. I not a quitter, I am fighter and I will WIN. My former, former boss was amazing. One day when we were chatting about life and chatting about my future in photography he asked me this, "Why are you afraid to take a chance?" You can't always be scared of taking a chance. Until then, I was so scared and then I replayed that conversation over and over and suddenly I was less afraid.

I have never been so happy. I love photography, I love my clients (seriously I don't know how I get so lucky to meet such great clients and get invited into their lives and watch their children and families grow). I feel at home. I know this is what I should be doing. I just need to make money. I know it doesn't happen overnight--but a girl can dream, right?

As much as I love my passion, we need roof over our head, food on the table and clothes on our backs. I will do anything and everything for my boys.. So this is when a passion has to take a back seat for the real life. Financially going from two incomes, to one, to none and back to basically one, that's living on half of what we used to. It's hard, REALLY, REALLY hard. Not that you should throw your money around, but I miss going to Target and filling my cart with a bunch of junk I am sure I didn't need and then leaving the store "slightly guilty," but knowing I'll still have enough money to make my car payment, buy food, put gas in the car etc.  I miss feeling like it's ok to spend money and not feeling guilty for every penny spent that doesn't go to the bare necessities.

Then comes rejection. Termination has put a big stigma on the applications/resumes. I have had a few interviews in the last year and put out countless applications and resumes and never heard anything back. I actually turned down a couple of interviews because my confidence. It's so hard to move past something as awful as wrongful termination. I didn't do anything to lose my job, but yet I get a termination label slapped on me sending a stigma that I did something that caused to me lose my job. It's basically like going in to a battle (interview) one sided-- or like doing a prison term for something you didn't commit.

Wounds definitely take time to heal and confidence, worthiness and a whole lotta time to rebuild. Last month I saw a listing in the paper for a job opportunity. For the first time in almost a year, I was excited about the potential of rejoining the workforce and confident. I applied and got a call to schedule an interview the very next day. I interviewed a week later and the following week I got a rejection letter. Honestly it's feeling like a part of me died again. I was more than qualified, the interview went awesome and I wasn't even asked about termination. It would have been an exciting opportunity. To say I am bummed is an understatement. It's the first job I have actually wanted in the last year and just didn't apply to for the sake of applying. I don't plan on applying for any social work positions at this time. It's been too emotionally draining for myself, I don't feel like I would be doing myself or anyone else justice in working a field mental health when I have to do everything I can to hold myself together and MOVE forward.

Moving forward is easier said than done, especially with pot holes and twist and turns just when something is feeling right. I admit I also struggle a lot with knowing when I do go back to work someday a part of me will also have put these two AMAZING boys back into daycare/preschool full time. I wish this world didn't revolve around money. The whole world would be a better.

Life is hard not matter who you are whether you share your feelings or keep them bottled up tight. I choose to write because I know there is someone else out there feeling the same way, having the same thoughts and moving forward, even if it's at a turtle's pace.

As crazy and each day is, life will work out. God has a plan for me, for us, for our family---so I'll continue to tread water until I can swim again someday.

For now I'll hug my boys and try to breathe and be positive.

And just maybe buy a lottery ticket.









 

My baby.

I love everything about babies, but especially their little feet and toes. Most people would agree that baby toes are pretty much irresistible.

This week has been hard for me. I've been doing a lot of thinking about life in general, our future and the inevitable 30 milestone I crash into on Thursday.

I always said I was going to be done having kids by the time I am 30. Well, that gives me two days to get pregnant and have baby. So yah folks, likely not a #3 for the Kelley Family...but I won't say never...yet anyways.

I went to our storage unit on Sunday to take all of our baby items we still have on hand and brought them to the house to sort and clean them. I don't know what came over me late last week, but something has urged me to just sell everything. I have to admit, that selling your baby stuff has to be one of the hardest things that a mom ever has to do. It's like saying, I'm ok never being pregnant again, it's ok if I never feel those tiny kicks again, it's ok that I'll never have another baby again. Man, this real life adult decisions are not easy to make. In all, we are just living our lives day by day and don't know what the future will bring. I feel like by holding on to all the baby stuff makes me (and only me---Doug's said he was done before we left the hospital with Miles) more pressed to decide or not to have third child.  Honestly I don't think you should ever be so pressed to make a HUGE life decision like this. I react better under less stress. So yeah maybe one day there will be baby #3, but just not anytime soon if we ever do decide to grow our family.

For now it's Doug, Amanda, Harrison, Miles, Violet Puppy, Sammy & Sully kitty, and fish named Dinosaur. I think this pretty much makes us a family of 8 already.


 

"Stick a fork in me, I'm done."

I am going to say this because it should have been said a long time ago... I hate Walgreens. I hate hearing the commercials, seeing the ads in the paper and the worst of all, driving by it. The hardest part is we live less than a mile from the "W" store. And making it even worse? It's located on a major street in town so I can't avoid driving by it (it's on the way to Target after all).

Every time I see a Walgreens store sign I wish I had a metal baseball bat to swing threw that sign. And those of you that know me well, no that not a violent person....but Damn it I am really tired of always being the "nice person."

I am done being nice to any representation of Walgreens. I once said I wish that this would never happen to anyone else within the company. But I take that back. I hope, I pray that this brings you nothing but misery. I hate you Walgreens and I hate that no matter how hard we try to live our lives and move on your cunning and malicious demeanor keep creeping back into our lives. Leave us alone.

How long will this go on? I don't know. Doug lost his unemployment award because Walgreens appealed the award that the state permitted originally. (I haven't blogged about how long it took Walgreens to get in their initial paper work in and that they were within days of the state making the original decision of unemployment without them because of their laziness to get the requested documents in on time. The state later sided with Doug).

The initial hearing for the appeal was scheduled several weeks ago, but the day of the hearing Walgreens didn't have their crap in on time (imagine that). Walgreens claimed "we don't have Doug's mailing address." Really? He worked for your company for 10+ years and you didn't have his mailing address? As well as they didn't fax the appropriate paper work to the state because their fax machine was "broken." And when Doug requested his employee files twice you didn't have his address then either? Oh and 3 months later even after the appeal Doug still does not have his employee records... If you don't have your crap together for the hearing...that should be a strike against you and how can they proceed without Doug having any access to his employee records. The problem is Walgreens is such a large cooperation and they think they can do anything they want waving their name and business in front of judge and bam you win the appeal.

What does this mean? Doug has to re-pay Walgreens all of his unemployment that he received for 3 months.

What's next? Appealing and appeal is what's next. We have no intention of ever paying Walgreens a single dime.

It's so hard to move forward when the past keeps creeping up on you. As Judge Marilyn Milan from the People's Court would say, "Stick a fork in me, I'm done."

Walgreens, you haven't won anything. We'll see you in court.

 

PEACE.

I think as parents we spend so much focusing on the "adult" world. Well, after all I guess that makes sense since we are adults.... but a lot of  that "adult stuff" in life really takes us away from the valuable time we should be with our kids.

With each blink of eye, the kids are getting bigger, doing things they didn't do the day before and next? They will be in college. There won't be the nights when he asks, "Momma, can I snuggle with you?" "Momma, we aren't snuggling unless your head is next to mine." "Momma, you are my best friend."

I think he should be cloned. Not for me, but for the rest of the world. I think the world would use a few more of these AMAZING 4 year olds running around. Honestly we couldn't ask for a better kid.

He's an awesome big brother. While laying Miles down for his nap today, he blew him a kiss across the room. When he wakes up every morning he always gives Miles a hug and says, "Hi buddy." He is the best at redirecting Miles from crying...bringing him a toy, asking him to play or simply put, "Miles I'm right here, don't cry." Not to forget to mention he is the safety patrol for his little brother. Trust me... nothing gets in Miles mouth these days that isn't edible along with making sure he is "safe" and won't fall.

OMG. This stuff is for real. It seems the not so fun part of parenting seems to spotlighted more than the good stuff. Nobody ever told me being a parent is this awesome. Nobody.

I should really start a notebook entitled Harrison's Awesomeness. I don't ever want to forget these days.

And do you need a helper? Sign him up. He picks up all of his own toys (sometimes without asking) and picks up all of Miles toys too. If I want him to help dust, or pick up other things he'll drop anything he is doing to help.

The kid loves to hug, snuggle like no other. I feel like the luckiest mom on earth. He is my peace.

 

"I want to go to the beach."

"Momma, I want to go to the beach."

Oh goodness...explaining winter, explaining the season, explaining the cold to a 4 year old. I hear this once a week at least, "Momma I want to go to the beach." My response...always the same. "Buddy, it's too cold, you need to wait for all the snow to melt and for it to be summer and warm again." Then comes the "but Momma I want to." I can totally sympathize with him, 100%. I am done with winter. Heck I was done before it got here. And just to put it out there on the table....I am never one of those people that complains summer is too warm. Bring it on, the hotter the better. I am convinced I was born into the wrong climate.

Move? Ugh....easier said than done. We need our family, we need our friends closer than a phone call away, closer than face time, closer than a plane ride. They are totally worth sacrificing 3-5 months of misery a year. Yes, yes you reading this. But... if you ever want to a consider a move down south at anytime (preferably the Carolinas) we wouldn't be opposed. Trading this white fluffy snow for white sandy beaches, absolutely. It would be living two dreams at once....#1. Living in a warm beach climate #2. Taking photos on the beach all day along. Hard life I know...but I think we would manage.

But for now.... Dream vs. Reality

 

Feel Good.

This is a feel good post. A post that takes you to your elementary desk.

Yeah, remember when the teacher came by with that big glob of shaving cream? First you would practice your spelling words and them you would clean your desk.

Those were the days.

Today we cracked down to TV time. It feels like we have been living in an igloo for three months now. Winter is so long. It's turning us into couch potatoes. Well before we start growing eyes, we decided we need to encourage more activities (more Pinterest) and more structure to our days, especially on the days the kids are home.

Harrison goes to pre-school 3 days a week and Miles goes to daycare 2 days a week. I know it's not in my cards to be a full time stay at home mom, it's not. I am no super mom and I totally convinced if your kids aren't in preschool or daycare, you are a super mom. Our kids need daycare and pre-school. We need a break from each other and I am not ashamed to admit that. I like idea they are going part time....it's giving me the best of both worlds...time for me to be an awesome mom and time for me pursue my passion and keep the house in semi-order.

So here is to a beginning of no more couch potatoeism.

Holding on.

No news is good news would be the typical norm...But when your waiting for that call, that interview, that job offer that could somehow turn your life back "normal" or a "new normal."

Waiting... All day, everyday.

Yesterday was the call of bad news. "The position has been filled." The part of me that held on to all the hope, all the trust, all of my everything died. I've lost trust...Trust of security, trust of life, trust of people. Trust is something we use everyday in life...we can't really get by without it.

I told Doug the other day... I don't care how "well off" we ever become. I never want a brand new house, fancy car, or to be wined and dined and everything else that goes with being "well off." You know why? Life is so unpredictable. I would never want to have a huge mortgage on a house and wake up one day in this very same nightmare. The reality of this...is it could happen to ANYONE. I look at all the stay at home moms out there who rely on just one income to pay the bills. If a spouse losses a job that's everything for them. So no...I am not asking you to take pity on us for the situation we are in. I know there are other people in the very same situation as we are. This is because bad things happen to good people.

Some days I want to cry all day. Some days I am so angry that I just wish the people responsible for this would feel just once ounce of the pain that I am enduring everyday. Each day I pray to make through the day holding myself together. I pray for a future where I have trust. I pray for a future that will give me a blanket to my fears.

I know God has a plan for us. And in reality we should probably be thanking him for turning our lives in this tornado. Turning us away from people who care for no one but themselves. Call me crazy...but I some how picture the Ghosts of "past", "present" and "future," visiting them.

Yesterday was an emotional day. It's like no matter how hard I tried to stop crying, I couldn't. It also marked one month since this nightmare began. (I guess I hadn't realized this until I sat down to write this entry.) 30 days, 4 weeks...however you want to put it... The reality is, this is crap. I want to wake up. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to cry anymore.

There is such a stigma with being fired. It's like you are this awful human being. There must be something wrong with you, you are unemployable. That is the furthest from the truth. For those of who do hiring/firing listen up (I was once you)---Terminated, fired, let go, are just labels. It's so easy to just slap a label on people and continue on in your life while an employable person continues to tread water waiting for an opportunity for someone who doesn't judge them because they don't know their story, someone who doesn't label them because someone else did.

It's a scary world we live in. This hardship has opened my eyes wider than they have ever been. This has to be part of God's plan. As many times I feel like cursing everything in my life, wishing that I didn't live this life, that I was someone else, living somewhere else, happy. But...the truth is, I am happy. Maybe not every minute of everyday, but my family, my friends, my passions are a part of my life and that is real happiness. For everything else...that's just stuff.

Holding on.

 

More than just a photo.

Photos are like songs, movies or a good book. They don't only preserve memories, but they can sweep you up and take you far away.

Even looking at this photo for a split second everything around me pauses and for that moment everything seems just right. There isn't worry, anxiety, frustration, anger; there is just peace.

 

4 Year NICU Vet

I can't believe tomorrow it's been 4 years since we brought you home from the hospital. The 52 days we spent in the NICU were some of the scariest days in our life. Just thinking about this sends tears pouring down my cheeks. We are so lucky to have you. So blessed we were chosen to be the parents of a premature baby. Tomorrow we will celebrate that day you came home as we have for the past 3 years already. You will get the "big present" you have been asking for with cake AND ice cream as requested... This is your day Harrison... The day you became a NICU graduate. Happy Anniversary "Big Guy."

I know I shared this article a while ago via facebook, but it hits me just as hard no matter how many times I read it. If you know anybody that can relate, please share this post.


I've had two babies in the NICU.  The trauma of seeing your beautiful newborn attached to life support, breathing apparatus, IV's in every appendage, can leave a wound that never truly heals.

My darling boy at 3-4 weeks

While my second NICU baby was hospitalized, I felt angry every time I saw a healthy baby.  Every time I saw a pregnant woman.  I would instantly judge them, and think to myself - they don't deserve their baby as much as I do.

It's hard to admit that's what I thought, but it's the truth.  My brain and my heart aren't always in synch.

I would see a newborn crying in their carseat in the grocery store and want to take the child out, comfort him/her and scold the mother for not knowing how lucky she was.  I would see pregnant women outside the hospital smoking, and want to scream "I did everything right and have a sick child - your child will probably be healthy and you don't even care enough to quit smoking!!!"

These thoughts didn't help me.  I knew they were wrong, and tried being extra kind to the women I was secretly loathing.  Kindness is always the answer, by the way.

I'm writing this to say to all the Mothers like me, I'm glad it was you.  I'm glad it was me.  

A week after being discharged from the NICU we were back in the hospital with heart failure.  When I was in the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) there was a darling little girl in the room next to us.  During our 8 day stay, I saw her mother once.  She was there for half an hour.   That precious 11 month old girl was in a crib, in her room, by herself - 24 hours a day.  No Mommy singing to her.  No one letting her out of her crib to play with the toys that littered the room like a sad reminder of the life she should have been having.  Nurses would chat with her when they were checking stats, administering meds, etc. but they were busy with so many patients they couldn't devote much time to her.  

A volunteer came to my room, offering to cuddle my baby if I wanted to leave for a shower or take a lunch break.  I politely declined, but asked why she wouldn't be in the room next door with the little one who was always on her own.  She informed me that her mother forbid others to go in and play with her daughter.  She didn't want anyone else bonding with her little girl.  

I cried.

I stayed with my baby, night and day, and my other children would come visit us during the day.  Their hearts broke for the little girl next door.  She was in isolation, but that didn't stop them from standing at her door singing songs, and dancing to entertain her.  My two year old had to be pulled from that doorway.  Forced away.  She wanted to sing and play peek-a-boo non-stop with the baby on her own.  My older sons cried for her, unable to understand how something so wrong could be allowed in plain view. 

I'm not sharing this with you because there was a happy ending.  I don't know what happened to that little girl.  I'm sharing this with you to help ease the struggle some of us with sick children have.  Be glad it's you.  A Mom who puts everything on hold to care for their poorly child.  A Mom who cares enough to sit sleeping upright in uncomfortable hospital chairs.  A Mom who is there to listen to doctors, specialists, nutritionists, nurses on how they feel your little one is doing.  

Be thankful that a sick child, who needs love more than ever, has YOU.  

It's hard to hold down a little arm while a needle goes in.  It's heartbreaking to watch a little one be sedated to help them deal with the pain they are experiencing.  It's physically exhausting to tend to the needs of someone who is helpless, letting your needs come secondary or not at all.  

It's more difficult to know that there are children without a Mom like you.  Alone for bedtime.  Alone for needles.  Alone for doctors coming in and out.  

Take a deep breath Mommies.  You are the best thing that ever happened to your child.  You know them better than any doctor, you care for them better than any nurse, and you love them like no other.  Be thankful your child has you, and keep up the good work.  

- I know there are many fathers who can relate to this, who care for their children when they are sick.  My husband is one of those fathers.  I am not trying to exclude you.  I wanted to address moms.  There is something deep within the heart of a mother that feels responsible for their child being sick.  Something we ate during pregnancy.  Something we did.  Something we thought!  Secretly festering in the depths of our hearts is the fear that we brought a helpless child in to this world to suffer.  We can barely admit it to ourselves, let alone any other living soul.  I know you fathers are the ones holding things together.  Taking the other children to the library so they have some "normal" in their lives.  Getting oil changes.  Managing life so that Moms like me can stay by their child's side.  You are every bit as important as the Mom - believe me, you are.  I just wanted to reach out to who I know, who I can definitely say - yes, I relate to that.  If my husband ever writes a post like this, he can address it to Dads and Dads only.  Keep up the good work Daddies - I know this world would crumble without decent fathers who do the right thing when it is the hard thing.  -

 

Chaos, Reality, Life.

It's amazing how you can share the same house, heck share the same bed with someone and still not ever really talk about anything other than household chores, bills, kids and catch an occasional show saved to the DVR.

There has chaos over the last few weeks...there have been moments of laughter, crying, anger, hope and everything else in between. If I wrote saying our life wasn't complicated with both husband and wife unemployed I would be lying. There is that constant worry of tomorrow, the next day, a week from now, a month from now...But I have found it easier to take life minute by minute rather than picturing the future. I'm not saying this always keeps the focus off of "making the house payment," "feeding a family of 4, "putting gas in the cars." But if this is all I ever focused on, I know wouldn't get out of bed everyday. Our everyday focus is these two amazing boys who keep us going every. single. day.

Today I sat down an starred a long time at this photo. It's my favorite photo ever and it's not because of the perfection, but the imperfection that makes perfection. This is our last photo with Whitney Dog taken back in May 2013 by Bliss Photography. This was a time we were we both employed, our family felt so much more complete with Whitney in our lives...Life well seemed so much simpler. Will life ever be like this again? I'm not sure. I am scared beyond belief what the future holds. I guess we never know what the future holds, but the future seemed so much brighter when our life was more put together.

Happiness.

Doug and I do a lot of talking... In one of our many conversations about spending more time with the kids Doug said to me, "You know how much I missed of our kids growing up, like the little things---all the new sounds Miles makes, how much Harrison has learned... I missed it by working. I told him that was the first thing I noticed when I lost my job and started to keep them home a few days a week from daycare/preschool. I couldn't believe how much I didn't even know my own kids....honestly and brutally that first moment I was like "holy shit."

It's never too late to "start over." I was home with Miles to watch him take his firsts steps. I have spent countless hours putting out fires all over our house with Harrison. Kids are really the best medicine in life. I know Doug feels the same way...he has spent hours fixing things with Harrison and acting "crazy" chasing after Miles.

I think I can speak for both Doug and I in saying... We know each other better than we have in years. When we were both working we were lucky to get past the "How was your day?" part of daily conversations to actually talking about life. And when I say talk about life, we talk about more than just our kids. It's a whole new territory after being a slave to our jobs for years.

This all really makes you re-think the years and devotion you put in to your career took you so far away from the important things in life. Yeah you kind have thought you were missing things, but when you face reality right there in front of you, with no where to run you ask yourself, "Was that the career for me?"

I'm not saying, "hey quit your job and stay home," but what I am saying is don't pour your heart in sole into a job... but in the end, it will always be just a job. Take your heart and sole and focus on the things you have that are there regardless you get a pay check or not.

I have had a lot of people say to me, "hey you shouldn't blog about that." "You put too much information on your blog entries etc." But when I blog, I have nothing to hide. Whether you want to admit it or not you can probably relate to a lot of what I say in my posts. Some people like my brutal honesty, some people think I should hide it. Over the last couple of weeks I feel like I am starting to sound more like "me" again in my entries. I think it felt like I needed to walk on egg shells on what I wrote and who read it...but I am here to say I don't care, judge me... If everyday was puppy dogs and rainbows I'd be living on Sesame Street, but I live in the real world.





 

2014 Resolutions

If I blog about it...I have do it then, right?

I've been playing around with the idea of setting New Year Resolution(s) for months...since I (we) failed terribly at the one goal I (we) set last year.

2013 Resolution: Go on a "date" night 1-2 times per month.

Not counting our week long cruise (which was living in heaven on earth) we went on a total of 2, maybe 3 dates tops over the ENTIRE year. If you have two kids under the age of 5, you can most likely relate.

Most dates these days consists of renting a red box, sitting on separate couches with separate containers of popcorn and trying to stay awake during the entire movie (a.k.a married life).

Ok fresh start 2014 this isn't going to happen. There will be 1-2 date nights per month (exhibit A---first new year resolution of 2014).

1. Go on at least 1-2 date (real) date night(s) per month.

2. Shop move savvy, using coupons, discount codes etc. (I was amazed we saved almost $40 in coupons last grocery shopping trip).

3. Carve out at least a hour of everyday life that doesn't include cell phone, computer, television etc.

4. Blog at least 4 entries a month, even if just sharing photos.

5. Clean out my car monthly---it drives me nuts when I have gold fish, cheerios, muddy foot prints, dried candy and stickers in my back seat! I complain about it every time I get in the car.

6. Spend time training Violet puppy. (She's got lots of room for improvement).

7. Photograph at least 80 photo sessions and at least 20 of them newborns sessions.

8. Take a "Me" day once a month.

9. More patience in everything, stop rushing life.

10. Forgive.
 

The "new" year.

2014... We are hoping and praying for a brand new start.

There are good moments and not so good moments. I find myself mad a lot of the time. If I am not mad I am frantically searching for a new future. I haven't taken my camera out since a couple days after Christmas other than to do a few practice shots at the studio. Today I mustered all that I had to edit photos from Christmas Day. It's so weird to think how "normal" life was two weeks ago, or even 3 months ago. There is no normal. There is no regular. I guess I am ok with that....What other choice do I have?

This path we are on right now is a roller coaster of emotions. A part of me just wants to scream at the people that did this to us... A part of me just wishes this nightmare was over. A part of me wants to pray they never end up in this same situation. I would never wish or hope for anyone to be in this place. No matter how unkind and selfish nobody deserves to be treated the way we have been treated.

We are very good people who have had a very bad thing happen to us. Despite all of this...we are not only stronger people but a stronger family. You can take a lot of things away from people, but you can't take away the people that love and care for you.

Good things will come. Better days are head. Day by day, minute by minute things will get better.

Thank you to our prayer warriors.
 

Behavior.

Behavior.... UGH. I think as parents we hope that we never have to live the horror stories that our parents told us of the trauma we put them through.

Well I guess I can keep hoping...since my mom still often reminds me of my temper tantrums I had when I would undress myself in a store if I didn't get my way. I'm sure she will remind me of this soon again... I secretly think she holds on to a little PSTD from me.

Anyways---there isn't any of the undressing in public happening here. But rather I'm going to have a melt down 100 times today, for no reason at all and I am going to have those melt downs not matter what you say or do and I promise you I will be the most uncooperative, unruly child when you take me somewhere that I am expected to behave.

3 weeks ago...Harrison hit me for the first time. Just out of the blue came swinging at me with both arms. Some of you maybe thinking...first time he's hit you and he is almost 4 years old? Well yes...Trust me, I have been thankful this was his first time... However I was rather displeased when it happened again yesterday at his NICU follow up appointment. Nothing says you have control over your kids like two swinging arms coming after you...right? Talk about embarrassing, especially for a kid, who up until now has been a pretty good kid.

In the last month he has started to throw himself on the ground and whine...kick things and hit Violet Puppy for no apparent reason but just because he wants to. I guess all of this is age appropriate, but it seems like we are being bombed with this new behavior.

On top of this he screaming, shrieking all. the time. We tell him to stop and his response is, "I can't." And more recently he will scream and whine and refuses to talk to us to tell him what is bothering him. Sometimes it seems like there is someone else inside of this sweet child of ours.

I'm not blaming myself for his actions or anyone else. Doug and I feel strongly that he maybe picking up a lot of these behaviors from his preschool, but again not blaming, we are just looking for a resolution to his behavior or something to make daily life around here, less of war zone.

Doug and I attended a really awesome parenting education night our childcare center put on. The speaker was Katy Smith an family educator from the area. She did a fantastic job talking about discipline and talking about parenting as a married couple. She said a lot of great things, but one of perspectives I like that she used, was it should be like us (husband & wife) against them (children). Basically we need to tag team to tame these little monsters we have created. Another funny thing she said which I am guilty using as a threat, "and yes, who are you kidding, Santa is coming." I guess that is my cue that my everyday (Santa is watching you threats) probably aren't really working. We look forward to her next several sessions of parenting education...because yes, we really need it.

The next step for us is creating some behavioral, reward system for Harrison and backing each other up 100%. After all...it's us, against them.

I know there will be good and bad days and days we don't want to EVER remember. Really, it's all about life and how else would we ever get grey hairs?

Love you boys!

 

Over the rainbow bridge

This is the hardest post I've ever had to write. I am crumbling in pain, both mentally and physically drained. I'm a car running on fumes.

Life is unfair.

It's probably too soon that I am writing this, but I think it's also part of the grieving and healing process.

Whitney Dog crossed over to the rainbow bridge today. It was sudden and unforeseen. I'm full of denial, unacceptance, and anger. I know I can't go around hating the world, but that's my coping mechanism right now and I'm going with that.

We have received so much support and kind words, I can even begin to return all of the messages that we have received today. You know who you are and thank you for your support.

I know there is a lot of people wanting to know...What happened. It all started two months ago when she started not eating her "regular" dog food. She was also vomited quite a few times that week. Doug took her into our vet and they did a x-ray noting bone fragments in digestive system, but they should be small enough to eventually pass on their own. Whitney was given some anti-nausea medication and an antacid. If she wasn't getting better in a month or two we should bring her back in.

After the vet visit, she seemed to improve. She ate her food better and acted like her normal self. In the last 2 weeks she started to slide backwards again. While Doug and I were on vacation she taken to the vet by my dad as she started vomiting again. Again she was given anti-nausea medication and antacid and she seemed to turn around yet again. That all changed Monday when she starting vomiting again. We called the vet, they suggest we do a biopsy or ultra sound. We chose to be more conservative and schedule an ultra sound as soon as we were able (Friday was the scheduled appointment). She continue to do fairly well until Wednesday.

On Wednesday she stopped wagging her tail (something I've never seen, I didn't know it could stop). I couldn't get her excited, she was clearly sick, very sick. Last night we snuggled in bed and I knew, I just knew something was really wrong. She was so warm---I ended up giving her some Tylenol to bring down her temp. I texted Doug and said, "I don't think she is going to make it this time, she is so weak."

This morning we agreed Doug would check on her at noon to see how she was doing. He called me shortly after and said that he was on the way to the vet. I asked him to pick me up from work and I would go with.

We talked about options, never about cost. You can't put a price on a family member period. We asked for another x-ray to be done. This is where we learned the beginning of the worst. When the doctor came in the room with the comparison x-rays, I knew it was bad before she showed us results. When my eyes met hers my eyes welled up. She said, "It's not good news." The bone fragments have moved some, but they haven't passed as they should have. Also the x-ray shows fluid in her chest as well as a mass around the bone fragments. The only option for survival was surgery.

Emergency surgery was started. The surgery revealed the worst of worst of any diagnosis, pancreatic cancer. Her tumor ruptured and caused a massive infection called peritonitis---which is often/usually fatal. With the combination of pancreatic cancer, she only had hours to a day to survive. Pancreatic cancer is one of the or is the hardest cancers to treat. Whitney's tumor was baseball sized. She has been sick for a while and we hadn't known it. The tumor hide between her spleen and liver so it wasn't detectable. This is often the case with this type of cancer, it's rarely caught in time and is very, very aggressive.

After surgery we opted to wake her up to say our goodbyes. We needed closure and we needed to see her big brown eyes one more time. We were her world...everyone else were just there, we were her everything. She was my shadow everywhere I went, she was my best friend. We found each other 8 years ago and we had a special bond, she didn't have with anyone else.

It's hard to sit and type this entry and see her empty space on the couch, walk by her dog dish, know when I go to bed tonight, she won't be curled up underneath the bed and for story time tonight, she won't be laying next to the bed in Harrison's room. There will be no more mornings of tail wagging, so excited to see you it's like Christmas day morning, every morning. She loved life.

We have 8 beautiful, wonderful years of memories. I should be thankful for that---but it wasn't enough. 3 years ago in October would have marked her survival from a mysterious diagnosis that was expected to take her life. She proved the modern world of medicine wrong. Somehow I thought this made her invincible.

I'm greedy...If I could hold on to her forever I would have.

I know she is has crossed over the rainbow bridge where there are plenty of squeaky tennis balls she can rip the fur off of and chew up their squeakers.

The next part is our turn to learn to live with her memories and accept her passing. It's going to be a journey full of bumps, sad tears, happy tears, smiles, anger everything in between.

Whitney Dog I know you know how much we loved you. We will forever be your everything and you will forever be in our hearts. Your two boys will grow up to know that you were such a special part of their lives and Violet puppy---well you know, she's got room for improvement. :)

LOVE you my Whitney Dog.

 

Randomness

Life gets away from us...and with raising two children now opening and closing my eyes, I swear a day goes by. Here is a long overdue post of just photos, yep this is the last word you have read (unless you read my captions).

Enjoy!

 We went to a construction fair in May but together by the Rochester ECEF. Harrison got to sit in the seat of a digger, Volkswagen Geek Squad Bug, rode in the bucket of an electric truck, make delivers in the Fed Ex truck, play on four wheelers, gators and his favorite a garbage truck. This was truly a little boys dream come true.

 

We have spent a lot of time at the park, it's practically our second home.

 and Penguin Zesto Ice cream? We make a trip there AT LEAST once a week.

 Sadly the beginning of May has been warmer than the first almost two weeks of June.

 

Mommy got a new camera, get ready for lots of CHEESE moments.

 Harrison started more independent play and is starting to take an interest in coloring.

 Daddy celebrated his 32 birthday...he needed help from the neighborhood kids to blow out the candles.

 I can't imagine a little boy growing up without a dog.

 Next 3 photos the hardest 3 captures...uncooperative 3 year, over tired baby, a recipe for disaster.

 

Lark Toys trip...carousel ride, Superman ice cream and fun toys. It was too cold for mini golf... but we promised Harrison--next time.