Really...Just really?

REALLY.

After 4 interviews (yes that's not a typo, F-O-U-R) and job shadowing for a potential employer I didn't get a job offer. I really feel like I was led on by this organization. I mean who wouldn't after not 3, but 4 interviews plus taking additional time to sit in an job shadow for a morning not think they were going to get a job offer? And every email back and forth stated, "You are still being considered for the job." Yes tears shed and even more tears shed this morning as I found out I didn't get a job offer at another employer which to be honest is the job I really wanted more. The biggest hug in the world couldn't make me feel better right now. 

I don't know what to do. I do know having a college education is the biggest joke. It doesn't get you any further in the work place and puts you $40,000 + in the hole and God only knows how those loans will ever be paid back. I also know that no employer wants to interview me when I haven't worked in almost 2 years. In actuality this is the hardest I have ever worked in the last two years. I have applied for so many positions only to keep being turned down one after another. And staying home with two kids is the hardest (but most rewarding) position I have ever held, it's hard work. And what potential employer is to judge me for not working for 2 years if I have been home with my kids. It's so sad that I am discounted from these positions.  This would be so different if we didn't have kids. I could afford to take a $9 hour factory job since that is as far as my education and work experience is taking me. 

To say life isn't blissful right now would be a huge understatement. Doug took a new job earlier this month, but only 17 days into a commission based job makes us raising two kids on what is a half a income. That just doesn't work. I worry about everything all the time. I don't have time to smile, laugh or be happy. I am passed the point of questioning God anymore. He's made it pretty apparent I deserve what I am getting.   

Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness was wrong. Money pays the bills, feeds our kids and keeps a roof over our heads. Everyone says keep on swimming, but I am at that point where I am a fish without any fins and I am drowning.

I keep thinking about the future when I should be focusing on the present and at this moment taking it day by day or at this very moment hour by hour. However the present situation we are in,  I don't want to live in. I want to get out and run into the future as fast as I can. If there is a possibility something could be better I'd take that chance.