Roller blading.

Earlier this month I picked up a pair of roller blades for Harrison from a local garage sale. When I showed them to him, he was anything but excited. He tried ice skating this past winter and didn't love it because "it was too hard," and he was "scared to fall."  As much as I encouraged him to try the roller blades he told me a firm "no" every time I asked for more than a week.

Then one day we were watching You Tube videos on the IPad... it suddenly came to me. So I typed in something to do with roller blading and almost instantly after watching one, maybe two clips he was on board. Apparently he prefers the seeing to doing things first.

For a first time with skates on he did awesome. However I still wasn't sure he loved it until he asked me 3 more times that day to help put on the skates.

 

Excavation

For the last 10 years we have lived in our house the east side street of our home has needed to be repaved. Again, it didn't make the cut for 2015 and I am definitely not holding my breathe for 2016.

However we have some major, major drainage issues every single time it rains. We have called the city several times. They come out and blame this or that on why the water just sits in the street and because stagnant. Last year we have a terrible bout of these weird bugs all over the boulevard that I am pretty sure hatched out of the left over rain water. Anyways I am sure I have grossed you out by now...but we are top of this, this year and I bound and determined the to stay on top of this EVER happening again.

And yes, our city owns a street cleaner, in fact I believe they own several but not one has swept the east side of house this spring.

Today the water had finally drained out enough to begin sweeping and cleaning the street. However, the road deteriorated immensely over the past winter. We now have a pot hole (aka sink hole) at the end of driveway that is about 2 feet wide and varies in depth from 2-5 1/2 inches deep. The rest of the street is almost just as bad.

 I may have not enjoyed this dirt removal, but this guy sure did.

 

Life as we know it.

Putting my feelings into words has never been so difficult. Most people that know me, know I am hardly ever without words and I am probably one of the most honest person that you'll ever meet.

Many of you have been keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers as our family is going through a very difficult time. I haven't chose go public with things because honestly I haven't been able to put myself together and face this for this a second time.

Doug lost his job earlier this month. Didn't we just go through this 16 months ago? Yep, we did. In the last 18 months we have gone from 2 jobs to 1 job to 0 jobs to 1 job to 0 jobs.

How am I surviving? I don't think I have woken up yet. I walked around the first few days in as if I was a robot. I didn't really feel, think or basically exist on planet Earth. Some days I still feel like I am off somewhere else, but the rest of the days have been filled constant worry and the level anxiety I didn't even know existed. I can't cry anymore because I don't have tears left.

Is this my life, is this as good as it gets? Yep, I question that about 100 times a day. On the road to losing our basic needs of food, clothing and shelter. This is so freaking awesome. A life I have always wanted to live...

I am an angry person right now. But really after everything we have gone through in the last 18 months it's pretty justified. I have had enough lessons that life isn't fair. I get it already. And I have to put my two cents in that the "Minnesota Employment at will" has to be one of the most fucked up systems we have in place in this great state.

Where do we go from here? Well as Dory would put it...."Just keep on swimming, keep on swimming." I am going to continue to battle life even if I feel like I am losing.

Doug and I both have been interviewing. I had phone and two face to face interviews with a potential employer and I am job shadowing later this week at that establishment. I am really hopeful for this position, it's one of the few jobs I have applied for and actually wanted since losing my job. Our community lacks well paying jobs and our neighboring communities haven't had much to offer. The market is pretty bleak.

I have never wanted so bad to feel secure again... It sounds so petty but I miss shopping trips, I miss buying things I wanted, heck I miss buying my favorite make-up remover. This sucks. I shouldn't complain...I KNOW. I should be happy I am a live (though I don't feel like it) and generally speaking I am healthy, but again I don't feel that way. I am sucky mom because I am stressed out all the FREAKING time. I am crappy wife because I am stressed out all the time. They say money doesn't buy happiness... I don't know if I agree with that anymore. I can't say we have hit rock bottom because I am leaving more room failure, struggle and anything else that wants to be thrown in the mix.

I can be a problem solver for everyone else, but when it comes to myself I am helpless. I guess this is the social worker part in me. I just wish I could fix this, fix our situation and just make everything better. I believe in miracles and part of me still really wants to believe in God. I miss feeling like I am living rather than pretending life is ok, because it's not. I remember what it feels like to be happy and I remember what it feels like belly laugh and most of all I remember how it feels to live.

Life isn't about being fair, but it doesn't have to be cruel either.

Photographer Child Syndrome (PCS)

Our boys have a condition called Photographer Child Syndrome or better known as PCS. Harrison suffers from more a severe case, but I am pretty sure I self-inflicted it on him when I learning to shoot from auto to manual. It probably took me one hundred shots to get something that resembled something half way professional.  I was far from a natural when I picked up my first Canon and I still learn something new with every session.

With PCS---the boys would rather do anything than sit for cooperate for photos, but once is very great while this happens.

 

 

 

 

And kudos to myself....I printed some the digitals.