Putting my feelings into words has never been so difficult. Most people that know me, know I am hardly ever without words and I am probably one of the most honest person that you'll ever meet.
Many of you have been keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers as our family is going through a very difficult time. I haven't chose go public with things because honestly I haven't been able to put myself together and face this for this a second time.
Doug lost his job earlier this month. Didn't we just go through this 16 months ago? Yep, we did. In the last 18 months we have gone from 2 jobs to 1 job to 0 jobs to 1 job to 0 jobs.
How am I surviving? I don't think I have woken up yet. I walked around the first few days in as if I was a robot. I didn't really feel, think or basically exist on planet Earth. Some days I still feel like I am off somewhere else, but the rest of the days have been filled constant worry and the level anxiety I didn't even know existed. I can't cry anymore because I don't have tears left.
Is this my life, is this as good as it gets? Yep, I question that about 100 times a day. On the road to losing our basic needs of food, clothing and shelter. This is so freaking awesome. A life I have always wanted to live...
I am an angry person right now. But really after everything we have gone through in the last 18 months it's pretty justified. I have had enough lessons that life isn't fair. I get it already. And I have to put my two cents in that the "Minnesota Employment at will" has to be one of the most fucked up systems we have in place in this great state.
Where do we go from here? Well as Dory would put it...."Just keep on swimming, keep on swimming." I am going to continue to battle life even if I feel like I am losing.
Doug and I both have been interviewing. I had phone and two face to face interviews with a potential employer and I am job shadowing later this week at that establishment. I am really hopeful for this position, it's one of the few jobs I have applied for and actually wanted since losing my job. Our community lacks well paying jobs and our neighboring communities haven't had much to offer. The market is pretty bleak.
I have never wanted so bad to feel secure again... It sounds so petty but I miss shopping trips, I miss buying things I wanted, heck I miss buying my favorite make-up remover. This sucks. I shouldn't complain...I KNOW. I should be happy I am a live (though I don't feel like it) and generally speaking I am healthy, but again I don't feel that way. I am sucky mom because I am stressed out all the FREAKING time. I am crappy wife because I am stressed out all the time. They say money doesn't buy happiness... I don't know if I agree with that anymore. I can't say we have hit rock bottom because I am leaving more room failure, struggle and anything else that wants to be thrown in the mix.
I can be a problem solver for everyone else, but when it comes to myself I am helpless. I guess this is the social worker part in me. I just wish I could fix this, fix our situation and just make everything better. I believe in miracles and part of me still really wants to believe in God. I miss feeling like I am living rather than pretending life is ok, because it's not. I remember what it feels like to be happy and I remember what it feels like belly laugh and most of all I remember how it feels to live.
Life isn't about being fair, but it doesn't have to be cruel either.
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