Happy 10 Year Wedding Anniversary

This post in a little belated as we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary on June 18. For our 10th wedding anniversary I always told Doug I wanted to put on my wedding dress and re-do our wedding photos. Our wedding photographer wasn't horrible, but wasn't great either and I think we were so young and really didn't care at the time what we wanted in our photos. Well, 10 years later, the dress zipped and we did this. I wasn't sure about including the kids.... since well cooperation and does not go in the same sentence with a 5 and 2 year old. Anyways---My friend/photographer Tara totally, TOTALLY rocked this, her work is insanely beautiful and I am so glad she capture these images for us. I now have a photo of us that I want to hang up on the wall. Well.... more like 150 photos I want to hang on our walls.

Here is a peek at some of my FAVORITE shots from our session done on my birthday (awesome, awesome birthday present).

 

 

 

 

 

Life as we know it.

Putting my feelings into words has never been so difficult. Most people that know me, know I am hardly ever without words and I am probably one of the most honest person that you'll ever meet.

Many of you have been keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers as our family is going through a very difficult time. I haven't chose go public with things because honestly I haven't been able to put myself together and face this for this a second time.

Doug lost his job earlier this month. Didn't we just go through this 16 months ago? Yep, we did. In the last 18 months we have gone from 2 jobs to 1 job to 0 jobs to 1 job to 0 jobs.

How am I surviving? I don't think I have woken up yet. I walked around the first few days in as if I was a robot. I didn't really feel, think or basically exist on planet Earth. Some days I still feel like I am off somewhere else, but the rest of the days have been filled constant worry and the level anxiety I didn't even know existed. I can't cry anymore because I don't have tears left.

Is this my life, is this as good as it gets? Yep, I question that about 100 times a day. On the road to losing our basic needs of food, clothing and shelter. This is so freaking awesome. A life I have always wanted to live...

I am an angry person right now. But really after everything we have gone through in the last 18 months it's pretty justified. I have had enough lessons that life isn't fair. I get it already. And I have to put my two cents in that the "Minnesota Employment at will" has to be one of the most fucked up systems we have in place in this great state.

Where do we go from here? Well as Dory would put it...."Just keep on swimming, keep on swimming." I am going to continue to battle life even if I feel like I am losing.

Doug and I both have been interviewing. I had phone and two face to face interviews with a potential employer and I am job shadowing later this week at that establishment. I am really hopeful for this position, it's one of the few jobs I have applied for and actually wanted since losing my job. Our community lacks well paying jobs and our neighboring communities haven't had much to offer. The market is pretty bleak.

I have never wanted so bad to feel secure again... It sounds so petty but I miss shopping trips, I miss buying things I wanted, heck I miss buying my favorite make-up remover. This sucks. I shouldn't complain...I KNOW. I should be happy I am a live (though I don't feel like it) and generally speaking I am healthy, but again I don't feel that way. I am sucky mom because I am stressed out all the FREAKING time. I am crappy wife because I am stressed out all the time. They say money doesn't buy happiness... I don't know if I agree with that anymore. I can't say we have hit rock bottom because I am leaving more room failure, struggle and anything else that wants to be thrown in the mix.

I can be a problem solver for everyone else, but when it comes to myself I am helpless. I guess this is the social worker part in me. I just wish I could fix this, fix our situation and just make everything better. I believe in miracles and part of me still really wants to believe in God. I miss feeling like I am living rather than pretending life is ok, because it's not. I remember what it feels like to be happy and I remember what it feels like belly laugh and most of all I remember how it feels to live.

Life isn't about being fair, but it doesn't have to be cruel either.

Realism.

It's been over two months since the last entry. This isn't me... Well it seems these days I don't know who me really is anymore. It's no doubt it was a really long, long winter. It's also been another 2 months of living day by day, hoping and praying for something good to happen for our family. I have to admit I have lost a lot of faith in God and have really started doubted him. It's probably not the best time feel this way, but is anytime really a good time?  I am sure I am being judged by everyone for saying this, feeling this, but I am ok with that. This is me (I think), this is where I am in life and where I am going... I have no idea.

Living life each day at time...It's easier said than done. When I lost my job 17 months ago not only did life change, I changed. It's been good, it's been bad, and it's been really bad. I have spent the last year and half applying for jobs---last count I was at over 35 resumes sent out. Nothing. Today I applied for 3 more jobs. Right on the application of one of position wanted detailed information as to why I was fired. To be brutally honest it sucks. I am a good person who deserves good job opportunity. I am educated, experienced but none of that matters when you have been fired. Fired for something I didn't even do... something I could never explain myself to because I was fired before I even given the chance to.  I am pretty much un-hire-able (yes I think I just made up that term). No one wants a Social Worker that can take decent photos.  Apparently there isn't a hot market for those qualities. They say the unemployment rate in Minnesota is as lowest---well if you read more detailed it's the lowest because many people have just stopped looking for work. I can see why... And what's available for jobs won't even cover daycare expenses or requires weekend work in which Doug works every single weekend already... I think I have greater odds willing the lottery than I do landing a quality job.

Where do I go from here? Up/down? Probably in circles.

All of this probably didn't help that Doug became unemployed the same time I did. That is the day we kissed our savings goodbye and moved to survival mode. It's the cutting the grocery bill in half and just making it work---it's trying to figure out do you pay electricity or water bill this month...It's the not being able to drive to zoo, because extra gas isn't in our budget. There isn't extra of that green stuff anywhere. I remember when $100 didn't seem like much...now $10 feels like $100. Money was never anything we really paid attention too before job loss. Now, it's all I ever think about. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Life isn't supposed to be easy...so I guess it's supposed to be hard? I never imagined I would be in this place in life and if I had imagined it, it would never be for this long.

I am so glad I have these two little boys in my life that hold me together, even when I am falling apart. I'm  glad they are so young, they don't realize what is going on and everyday is just an awesome new day.

 

Epic Painting.

This session... I can't say how awesome, amazing, wonderful, epic and memorable this was. I'm finally getting around to posting these. Seriously, seriously best Tuesday night fun, ever.

This idea came off of Pinterest, but we put our own twist on it making it ours. As much as I try to capture the kids lives (and they love seeing photos of themselves), I find myself hardly ever making an appearance in a photo. In a way it's like they have an invisible mom. I wanted a fun session to capture what our everyday life resembles. Life is crazy, it's messy, it's fun. We tickle, we laugh and we do it all it again (with a few meltdowns, time outs in-between---keeping it real).

I saved a few pieces of the paper from the session and one day when I actually print a few of these I'll frame a little of the art work with the photos.

I think session maybe worth repeating each January. Love my boys.

Epic Painting