Thinking of you...

 

Over the rainbow bridge

This is the hardest post I've ever had to write. I am crumbling in pain, both mentally and physically drained. I'm a car running on fumes.

Life is unfair.

It's probably too soon that I am writing this, but I think it's also part of the grieving and healing process.

Whitney Dog crossed over to the rainbow bridge today. It was sudden and unforeseen. I'm full of denial, unacceptance, and anger. I know I can't go around hating the world, but that's my coping mechanism right now and I'm going with that.

We have received so much support and kind words, I can even begin to return all of the messages that we have received today. You know who you are and thank you for your support.

I know there is a lot of people wanting to know...What happened. It all started two months ago when she started not eating her "regular" dog food. She was also vomited quite a few times that week. Doug took her into our vet and they did a x-ray noting bone fragments in digestive system, but they should be small enough to eventually pass on their own. Whitney was given some anti-nausea medication and an antacid. If she wasn't getting better in a month or two we should bring her back in.

After the vet visit, she seemed to improve. She ate her food better and acted like her normal self. In the last 2 weeks she started to slide backwards again. While Doug and I were on vacation she taken to the vet by my dad as she started vomiting again. Again she was given anti-nausea medication and antacid and she seemed to turn around yet again. That all changed Monday when she starting vomiting again. We called the vet, they suggest we do a biopsy or ultra sound. We chose to be more conservative and schedule an ultra sound as soon as we were able (Friday was the scheduled appointment). She continue to do fairly well until Wednesday.

On Wednesday she stopped wagging her tail (something I've never seen, I didn't know it could stop). I couldn't get her excited, she was clearly sick, very sick. Last night we snuggled in bed and I knew, I just knew something was really wrong. She was so warm---I ended up giving her some Tylenol to bring down her temp. I texted Doug and said, "I don't think she is going to make it this time, she is so weak."

This morning we agreed Doug would check on her at noon to see how she was doing. He called me shortly after and said that he was on the way to the vet. I asked him to pick me up from work and I would go with.

We talked about options, never about cost. You can't put a price on a family member period. We asked for another x-ray to be done. This is where we learned the beginning of the worst. When the doctor came in the room with the comparison x-rays, I knew it was bad before she showed us results. When my eyes met hers my eyes welled up. She said, "It's not good news." The bone fragments have moved some, but they haven't passed as they should have. Also the x-ray shows fluid in her chest as well as a mass around the bone fragments. The only option for survival was surgery.

Emergency surgery was started. The surgery revealed the worst of worst of any diagnosis, pancreatic cancer. Her tumor ruptured and caused a massive infection called peritonitis---which is often/usually fatal. With the combination of pancreatic cancer, she only had hours to a day to survive. Pancreatic cancer is one of the or is the hardest cancers to treat. Whitney's tumor was baseball sized. She has been sick for a while and we hadn't known it. The tumor hide between her spleen and liver so it wasn't detectable. This is often the case with this type of cancer, it's rarely caught in time and is very, very aggressive.

After surgery we opted to wake her up to say our goodbyes. We needed closure and we needed to see her big brown eyes one more time. We were her world...everyone else were just there, we were her everything. She was my shadow everywhere I went, she was my best friend. We found each other 8 years ago and we had a special bond, she didn't have with anyone else.

It's hard to sit and type this entry and see her empty space on the couch, walk by her dog dish, know when I go to bed tonight, she won't be curled up underneath the bed and for story time tonight, she won't be laying next to the bed in Harrison's room. There will be no more mornings of tail wagging, so excited to see you it's like Christmas day morning, every morning. She loved life.

We have 8 beautiful, wonderful years of memories. I should be thankful for that---but it wasn't enough. 3 years ago in October would have marked her survival from a mysterious diagnosis that was expected to take her life. She proved the modern world of medicine wrong. Somehow I thought this made her invincible.

I'm greedy...If I could hold on to her forever I would have.

I know she is has crossed over the rainbow bridge where there are plenty of squeaky tennis balls she can rip the fur off of and chew up their squeakers.

The next part is our turn to learn to live with her memories and accept her passing. It's going to be a journey full of bumps, sad tears, happy tears, smiles, anger everything in between.

Whitney Dog I know you know how much we loved you. We will forever be your everything and you will forever be in our hearts. Your two boys will grow up to know that you were such a special part of their lives and Violet puppy---well you know, she's got room for improvement. :)

LOVE you my Whitney Dog.

 

Miles @ 11 months

So much, so much, so much has changed with this little man in the last month....Where do I even begin? I actually planned on writing this post before we left for vacation the 9th, but I'm glad I waited until now because he is doing something new/different practically everyday. It's so hard to think he is more of toddler than a baby these days (insert tears).

I feel like the first year the second time around goes so much faster. Here we are at birthday planning. I had planned a few months back to have his birthday party on his actual first birthday...but as these last two months have flown by, that certainly will NOT be the case.

I actually went back and forth more than a dozen times debating if I combine Harrison's birthday (11/28) and Miles (10/13). I thought it might take some meaning out of his first birthday sharing a party, but then Harrison's birthday falls on Thanksgiving Day this year which will be kind of bummer for him. Basically when it came down to it---it was too much on my plate to plan a birthday party for both boys two months in a row. As they get older and "friend birthdays" take over, I'm sure that will be another story. The combined party will be November 2nd, or November 3rd---as you can see I am very organized (not). I haven't decided if we will get rent a party room like last year or have at it our house. I'm planning smaller party---mostly just family and closer friends, so my preference is leaning towards our house. At least I have the theme...I picked it months and months ago. Now it's getting two instead of one to cooperate for an invite photo, or maybe a series of shots, since I have a whole lot of confidence in cooperation from both parties. I will send out the invites no later than Miles birthday---so I probably should get some party planning into swing.

All right...here we go, 11 months.

Likes:

• Cat food/dog food, he sampled both this week
• Pulling himself up on anything & everything
• When his big brother acts silly in the car
• Watching the puppies
• Bath time
• Stealing his brother's toys

Dislikes:

• Getting dressed (I swear it sounds like we committing child abuse). He hates it, shrieking and screaming. Distractions are kind of useless these days.
• When you leave the room to go into another room---again shrieking, screaming, water works show. We can safely say he is well on his way to the separation anxiety stage.
• When he isn't the center of attention
• The word "NO"

Biggest Achievement of the month:

• Pulling himself up on anything/everything. It happened overnight.

Biggest Challenge of the month:

• Crankiness. He's riding a wave of highs and lows. I think it's a combination of exploration and teething.

Sleep: Pretty normal. 1-2 hour nap in the morning, same in the afternoon. Sleeps through the night... However at anytime that could change so I am just counting my blessings for every quiet night we conquer.

Personality/Temper: Rollercoaster ride.

He is most happy: Exploring
He is least happy: Being told no.

Baby Talk/Communication: We are practicing signing "more" & "all done." But little progress is being made. I think it's going to be one of those things that just clicks overnight.

Sizing him up: He is a big kid. Wears size 4 diapers (Harrison didn't wear that size until he was just over 2). Most clothing is 12-18 months. I am pretty sure my January it will be closer to 2T tops and 18-24 bottoms, unless he decides to take a break on growing.

Teeth: Two teeth are on their way in (he got his first "friend" bite today at daycare). Just wait until he has a full set of these chompers, he will get even.

Motor skills: He's got awesome fine motor skills. He takes after Harrison on this. I remember Harrison could be behind in so much development but just excelled with the fine motor skills (pinching, grasping etc.). Probably do to his love of food, very much like Mr. Miles.

Out & About: He doesn't mind shopping as well as he has a snack and small trinket to keep him occupied. Car rides are a bit of a challenge, but nothing his big brother hasn't already broken us in on.

Firsts of the month: First time being away from mom & dad overnight since birth.

Favorite baby gear: Fisher Price--- Bouncey/Jump (Exersaucer).


I have a bunch of photos to get to editing (weekend in Mankato, meeting new baby cousin, last summer stuff, Cruise and everything else in between).

Here is one snap shot of our trip to the apple orchard on Monday (seriously the best day of the week to go). I promise to do an apple orchard entry!

 

Gone Fishin' Part III

We started the tradition of "Gone Fishin" when Harrison was 21 months old. I loved those images so much I decided that I couldn't help but continue on nearly 2 years later.

The location is absolutely beautiful, but I don't need words to describe when these images capture so much of it.

My boys.

We left Harrison for the first time when he was about 10 months old. I had a couple of trial runs overnights without him before then but for the most part at 10 months that was the BIG trip. We left him again around 21 months for a second big trip.

I somehow felt like I was practiced up doing this the second time since we have already done it before. Laying in bed last realizing I hadn't even been a night without him since his birth last October (insert tears). We hadn't done any trial runs or anything. Probably the biggest mistake, especially since we are going to be gone 9 days.

While we venture off to our first couple's vacation since becoming a family of 4 everywhere makes you stop and think what a beautiful family we have and it all started with this little (big) thing we have called love.

I know its healthy to take time off work, raising kids and just to be that young (older now) couple in love again.

It's so hard to turn off  your "mom hat" and put on the "non mom hat." As long as we keep a busy pace we'll be able focus on us for a few days and know our boys will be taken care of in the best possible way.

 

Thinking of you boys..

 

 

 

Love, Mommy

 

Goodbye Plug

It happened, really it did. It's true what they say--he wouldn't go to kindergarten with it. I was pretty sure he would.

I am talking about the pacifier, aka the plug. I wanted to do this entry last week, but I didn't want to jinx myself. However after last night's conversation, he is so proud of himself that he'll never go back, he's so over it.

Our plan was to stop using the pacifier at 1 year. Well year 1 turned into year 2 which turned in to year 3 and you catch my drift. I basically had no hope for 4 and thought maybe by 5.

I've never been a big pusher to stop....most likely because I sucked my thumb until I was 10 (shh.) So in all honesty an pacifier isn't any different than a thumb. However it may not be any different inside, but outside it looks a little ridiculous for a almost 4 year old to be sucking on a pacifier---almost or at the point of getting embarrassing.

The problem is...I felt bad for taking away something that was so much comfort. It's like taking alcoholic beverage away on one of the crappiest, I don't know how I got through the work day. So basically we didn't push it. We mentioned things time to time to him, but never a stopping point. I remember a person I talked with said, "don't worry, he won't go to kindergarten with it, its just a phase that will pass, don't press on the issue," so we didn't.

We have always offered him options, choices...in all honesty kids need those choices. We as adults do better when we aren't told what to do, but asked what we should do.

While spending time with family last weekend, we asked Harrison if he wanted to give his plug to his new baby cousin Joseph because he didn't have a plug and he is a baby and he needs one. At first he was reluctant and said no...but we asked him a couple more times and he seemed more interested in gifting his plug for a BIG new toy.

The decision was made, Harrison gave his plug to baby Joseph. Secretly we swapped the plug after the gift giving just in case he decided he wanted it back (we were 3 hours from home) and didn't want to end up home without the plug---just in case. The transition went smoothly. That night he asked, "Where is my plug." Our reply. "You gave it to baby Joseph, remember?" Not another word for two more days when he talked about Miles plug. I took a chance and asked him, "What happened to your plug?" His response, "I gave it to Joseph, I too big for plug." Then a giant hug followed this. He is so proud of himself. And we never made it to need that BIG toy as a diversion.

He clings closer to his "key, key" and puppy since the transition...and that too in time will change.

We are really proud of him...he's such an amazing kid.


Goodbye plug, you were loved.