Happy First Birthday in Heaven

Its been a tough year no doubt. Tomorrow is Whitney Dog's first birthday in heaven. It feels like this road has been so rough and untraveled and she's been gone so long.  So much of me thought I would be much better about it by now, accepting of her crossing the rainbow bridge and happy with the memories we made her with her... but as I sit here type this tears stream down my face. I miss my Whitney Dog. You know how they have the grieving cycle: denial, sadness, anger, and then acceptance? Well, 364 days later I think I have went this cycle 100s of times. She was more than a just a dog, she was my best friend. Saying goodbye to a best friend is the hardest thing, I've ever done.

For the past year Harrison has helped keep her alive with us...when so much of me wants to try to forget so it doesn't hurt so much. We built sand turtles on the beach last month and Harrison was insistent that we add a fifth turtle with wings, so Whitney can be with us. Her collar with her tags and square photo of her hangs from the review mirror in my car. Every time the breeze blows her tags jingle. Anyone who has had a pet knows this sound, you undeniably can't forget it.

There is so much of life we just wish you could control. The amount of time we have here isn't one of them. Obviously God needed Whitney more than we did, though I am still searching for the reason, perhaps I have already circled it a dozen times, but someday this will all make sense.


Miss you everyday. Happy First Birthday in Heaven Whitney Dog.

 

Our boat, named Whitney.

At 4, Harrison is starting to understand things have two names for example, a bird is a bird, but a red bird in Minnesota is typically called a Cardinal and Violet is a dog, but she is a springer spaniel. Oh my goodness does this kid ever ask questions and the same questions over and over and OVER. It can be exhausting! So in conversation Harrison pretty much gives a second name to everything. At the park he names those horses on springs--- typically, "Iron Man," "Superman," "Captain America," & "Spiderman." At home he pretends he's a dog named Whitney about 50% of the time.

He talks about Whitney a lot. We read the books "Dog Heaven" and "God Gave Us Heaven" a few times a month at his request. I know at 4 he doesn't quite understand death beyond you go to Heaven and you never get to come back. It's hard to explain this concept to this age as much I have explained what happened to Whitney 100s of times. Besides having Whitney's collar hanging from my review mirror in the car, I don't talk a lot about her. I often wonder if it's God's way of keeping Harrison talking about her so much, so she isn't just a distant memory, that she was and will always be a part of lives. I've actually done some research on my own first memories from childhood. A lot of what I read makes sense. A first real memory is often a loss of something, or something traumatic/life changing. My first real memory is at my Great Grandma's funeral. I don't remember her, but I remember the day of the funeral. I remember what dress she wore, what the her hair looked like, even the details of what the casket looked like (crazy I know). I was about Harrison's age. So putting this all together, Whitney maybe his first real memory, not maybe Whitney herself, but the impact her leaving us made on Doug & I and our family.

Whitney loved swimming and loved the river. One of the best decision's Doug and I ever made was to buy our boat late last summer. Whitney got to spend a few really great days digging in the sand and swimming. This was Heaven to her. And as much as I have cursed God for taking her from us, she gets to do what she loves everyday and knowing that helps keeps us moving forward.

So back to naming things, because I was going somewhere with this, I promise! :) Since everything has two names, Harrison suggested we name our boat, "Whitney."

On Saturday, we all went out on the river for the first time this year on our boat named Whitney.

 

It gets harder before it gets better.

She's was not just a dog...she was my best friend.

I sit and write when I am consumed with emotions. I've been on the verge of breaking all week. I really need to carve out a little "me" time once in a while to just have a good cry. That happened tonight.

Why is this so hard? Why? Why? WHY?

I don't know if I have been living in denial she's been gone for 2.5 months? If losing my job clouded my grief, if it's the holidays or a combination of all 3 that has brought me to where I am at right now.

I'm trying to find words to even describe how hard it is to look photos of her, yet I force myself too, because I never want to forget her and the 9 years of memories we made with her.

All of her Christmas ornaments line the top of the Christmas tree (she got a new ornament every year). Her collar with tags hangs on the rearview mirror of my car. Sometimes when fan is blowing her tags catch wind and jingle and there for a split second she's with me.

There isn't a morning that I don't miss the pitter patter of her feet on our bedroom floor as she excitedly waited for someone to get out of bed.

I miss her thinking I was her world. I swear she used to look at me as if I hung the moon and stars. She would do anything for me.

Since she has been gone---I've spent everyday wanting her back, not forever, but just a little longer. Maybe this is where I am going wrong...because I could spend the next 100 days doing the same and not moving forward.

Maybe I don't want to move forward because I want to miss her, because missing her means I am not forgetting her.

I am here to say grief sucks... it pulls you in so many different directions that you end up feeling like you are on a Tilt-A-Whirl and not just that 2 minute carnival version.

I hope doggy heaven is a wonderful place.

Missing you my Whitney Dog.




 

Thinking of you...

 

Over the rainbow bridge

This is the hardest post I've ever had to write. I am crumbling in pain, both mentally and physically drained. I'm a car running on fumes.

Life is unfair.

It's probably too soon that I am writing this, but I think it's also part of the grieving and healing process.

Whitney Dog crossed over to the rainbow bridge today. It was sudden and unforeseen. I'm full of denial, unacceptance, and anger. I know I can't go around hating the world, but that's my coping mechanism right now and I'm going with that.

We have received so much support and kind words, I can even begin to return all of the messages that we have received today. You know who you are and thank you for your support.

I know there is a lot of people wanting to know...What happened. It all started two months ago when she started not eating her "regular" dog food. She was also vomited quite a few times that week. Doug took her into our vet and they did a x-ray noting bone fragments in digestive system, but they should be small enough to eventually pass on their own. Whitney was given some anti-nausea medication and an antacid. If she wasn't getting better in a month or two we should bring her back in.

After the vet visit, she seemed to improve. She ate her food better and acted like her normal self. In the last 2 weeks she started to slide backwards again. While Doug and I were on vacation she taken to the vet by my dad as she started vomiting again. Again she was given anti-nausea medication and antacid and she seemed to turn around yet again. That all changed Monday when she starting vomiting again. We called the vet, they suggest we do a biopsy or ultra sound. We chose to be more conservative and schedule an ultra sound as soon as we were able (Friday was the scheduled appointment). She continue to do fairly well until Wednesday.

On Wednesday she stopped wagging her tail (something I've never seen, I didn't know it could stop). I couldn't get her excited, she was clearly sick, very sick. Last night we snuggled in bed and I knew, I just knew something was really wrong. She was so warm---I ended up giving her some Tylenol to bring down her temp. I texted Doug and said, "I don't think she is going to make it this time, she is so weak."

This morning we agreed Doug would check on her at noon to see how she was doing. He called me shortly after and said that he was on the way to the vet. I asked him to pick me up from work and I would go with.

We talked about options, never about cost. You can't put a price on a family member period. We asked for another x-ray to be done. This is where we learned the beginning of the worst. When the doctor came in the room with the comparison x-rays, I knew it was bad before she showed us results. When my eyes met hers my eyes welled up. She said, "It's not good news." The bone fragments have moved some, but they haven't passed as they should have. Also the x-ray shows fluid in her chest as well as a mass around the bone fragments. The only option for survival was surgery.

Emergency surgery was started. The surgery revealed the worst of worst of any diagnosis, pancreatic cancer. Her tumor ruptured and caused a massive infection called peritonitis---which is often/usually fatal. With the combination of pancreatic cancer, she only had hours to a day to survive. Pancreatic cancer is one of the or is the hardest cancers to treat. Whitney's tumor was baseball sized. She has been sick for a while and we hadn't known it. The tumor hide between her spleen and liver so it wasn't detectable. This is often the case with this type of cancer, it's rarely caught in time and is very, very aggressive.

After surgery we opted to wake her up to say our goodbyes. We needed closure and we needed to see her big brown eyes one more time. We were her world...everyone else were just there, we were her everything. She was my shadow everywhere I went, she was my best friend. We found each other 8 years ago and we had a special bond, she didn't have with anyone else.

It's hard to sit and type this entry and see her empty space on the couch, walk by her dog dish, know when I go to bed tonight, she won't be curled up underneath the bed and for story time tonight, she won't be laying next to the bed in Harrison's room. There will be no more mornings of tail wagging, so excited to see you it's like Christmas day morning, every morning. She loved life.

We have 8 beautiful, wonderful years of memories. I should be thankful for that---but it wasn't enough. 3 years ago in October would have marked her survival from a mysterious diagnosis that was expected to take her life. She proved the modern world of medicine wrong. Somehow I thought this made her invincible.

I'm greedy...If I could hold on to her forever I would have.

I know she is has crossed over the rainbow bridge where there are plenty of squeaky tennis balls she can rip the fur off of and chew up their squeakers.

The next part is our turn to learn to live with her memories and accept her passing. It's going to be a journey full of bumps, sad tears, happy tears, smiles, anger everything in between.

Whitney Dog I know you know how much we loved you. We will forever be your everything and you will forever be in our hearts. Your two boys will grow up to know that you were such a special part of their lives and Violet puppy---well you know, she's got room for improvement. :)

LOVE you my Whitney Dog.

 

Violet

There is a new girl in the house. I blogged a couple of photos of her from Sunday when we brought her home.

(the ride home)



Before I get into the details---do you want one too? More puppies will be ready for new homes just around Christmas. Here is the link.


Rewinding a bit---I talked to Doug about getting another dog over a year ago, in fact about year after Whitney Dog's medical scares. I pushed hard for it when we found out we were pregnant this past spring. Finally I decided to give up until dog came home on Monday evening and said there are Springer puppies available. I looked at him and told him, "No, absolutely not, we are 6 weeks away from Miles due date."

Obvious something happened between that thought and the following Sunday when we picked her up. I had time to think. I did A LOT of thinking. It was never a matter of if we were going to get a second dog, it has always been a matter of when. Whitney turns 9 in December....she is/has been the best dog anyone could ask for. This is why we chose to get another Springer Spaniel.

If you remember correctly we didn't get Whitney as a puppy, she was a rescue from a puppy mill at year and a half. Not that it wasn't convenient that she was house broken when we got her and knew some simple commands, we always knew the next dog we were going to get would be a puppy. In fact this was the first puppy I ever got to go and pick out... Even though Harrison won't remember picking her up and that drive home, but we will. Harrison had a blast playing with the other puppies, checking out the farm animals and tractors in beautiful Bay, City WI. What a great thing for Harrison to grow up with two dogs and so will brother Miles.

The timing isn't perfect, but in life we have learned your never always going to find that "perfect" time doesn't exist.


I feel like I need to start Violet her own baby book (Whitney has one). At just over 9 weeks old we estimate she weighs between 8 to 10 pounds. Potty training is challenge as expected. We pulled up all of our area rugs and put them in storage until it's safe for them to come back out again. I am glad our home is at least 75% hardwood floors or laminate.

She knows her name. Does Violet sound familiar? Yep? It should---that was our girl name we had picked out. I now feel a little less out numbered by the boys of the house.



The question I am sure you have and that I definitely have by now---how is Whitney Dog handling this?

Surprising well. There hasn't big miffs yet. Whitney has showed he teeth a few times when Violet wants to steal one of her toys or is just plain annoying her. I don't blame her, especially if I had to sit home all day and listen to her whimper and cry as we are in full fledged crate training mode.

I wish I could blow this entry away in puppy photos, but every time I bring out the camera she tumbles over to me making it impossible to get her photos---and if you saw in my last entry....I am just a little bit or a lotta it busy.

I am excited to see where the future takes us and having Violet a part of our family.

 

Linked 52: Peaceful

This is my peaceful.

I had some doubts in the very beginning if he was ready to be a big brother, not anymore.

Over the last week we have been hard at work converting my photography studio room into Baby Miles nursery. My husband has been amazing, I didn't even pick up a paint brush.

There isn't anything else I can think that is more peaceful than this blue nursery awaiting the arrival of baby. It's ironic the color of the walls is termed, "Newborn Blue." The room isn't done, done, but here are a few peeks at the progress!

Loving his 10 little piggies.

What is your peaceful?

Stacey, Michelle, Andrea, Heather, Tracey, Jenn, Jessica, Amanda, Kristin, Sara, Tracy, Lesli, Janet, Rhonda, Rose, Carla, Heidi, Veronica, Amy, Liza, Heather, Jean, Georgia & Kristi

Oh Whitney Dog

Whitney Dog joined our family in 2005.

I begged Doug for a puppy when we purchased our house that January. Doug told me we would have to wait until we wed that June. June came and went, no puppy.

The puppy didn't come and didn't come...I sort have lost hope that I would convince him until I made a trip to the local Humane Society and fell in love with this...

Behind those eyes Whitney would tell you she came from a puppy mill. By the time she was 1.5 years old she delivered two litters of puppies, the second delivery none of her puppies survived. She was one of 11 dogs/puppies that rescued that day and the last one to be adopted.

Since then she been ours. Last month we celebrated 7 year since she joined our family.

In September 2010 we were told the baseball mass inside her abdomen was cancer and we should take her home and enjoy what time we had with her. We opted to have the tumor removed and pray for the best...but it only got more complicated when she was sent to the University of Minnesota where they could specialize in the removal only to be told the tumor was not removable because it had spread all over her chest cavity. Long story short if you don't follow our blog, she doesn't have cancer, but an infection that mimics, acts and grows like cancer. This was nearly two years ago. Two years ago is a long time in dog years a some 14 years. Her future continues to be unknown, so we take every single day as blessing she is with us.

Despite having a horrific home life as a young dog, going through 2 major surgeries, she has never stopped being herself, being the Whitney Dog we know. This is why we are opting to have surgery done this fall/winter for knees. Recovery is about 8 weeks, which is why we aren't doing the surgery this summer. Right now she is on medications to help with manage the pain in her aging joints. Age is catching up with her, but at 8 she still has some wonderful years a head of her. The cost of surgery is about $1,200...which would bring the total of her care to well over $6,000. Call us crazy all you want, but you can't put a price on a family member.  She's amazing and the best dog any little boy could ever ask for.

Whitney Dog on the mend...

It's been an eventful weekend at the Kelley household...

Whitney's back home after spending the day at the vet getting rehydrated and getting anti-nausea and pain medication.

She got sick really fast beginning early yesterday morning and couldn't stop vomiting as the day went on. At first we assumed she would recover on her own, but turns out this morning the vomiting still persisted and she was only getting sicker. I hopped in the shower quick and we drove to the vet.

I have to admit, though she seems more like herself tonight, I was completely terrified and still am (until we get over this hump). Whitney was diagnosed with a very serious condition called Peritonitis a year and half ago and due to it's location her future with us is unknown (she's already went through two surgeries), we live everyday not knowing how much time we have with her.

Most likely the cause of this recent vomiting is something she ate that she shouldn't have eaten, not the Peritonitis. We were out hiking last week in the woods and think she must have stumbled upon something or ate an unsettling stick at the park yesterday. This sets me up for a scare from woods all summer, which we spend a lot of our there. If her vomiting persists starting tomorrow when we are able to start feeding her a special diet she will have x-rays and lab on Monday morning to check to see if  it's something more serious like pancreatitis or an obstruction.

I also asked for a Lyme's test today. The number of dogs that have it in MN & WI this year is outrageous and despite getting the Lyme vaccine Whitney got Lyme's disease a couple of years ago and she's had recent limping that accompanied that diagnosis last,  and she too has present the same over the past couple of weeks. The test came back negative for Lyme's disease but she has another tick-borne disease called Anaplasmosis that she will be treated for after the GI issues have been resolved.

We all took a restful 3.5 hour family nap today and now she is snoring next to me on the couch---oh how I love this Whitney Dog.