Happy First Birthday in Heaven

Its been a tough year no doubt. Tomorrow is Whitney Dog's first birthday in heaven. It feels like this road has been so rough and untraveled and she's been gone so long.  So much of me thought I would be much better about it by now, accepting of her crossing the rainbow bridge and happy with the memories we made her with her... but as I sit here type this tears stream down my face. I miss my Whitney Dog. You know how they have the grieving cycle: denial, sadness, anger, and then acceptance? Well, 364 days later I think I have went this cycle 100s of times. She was more than a just a dog, she was my best friend. Saying goodbye to a best friend is the hardest thing, I've ever done.

For the past year Harrison has helped keep her alive with us...when so much of me wants to try to forget so it doesn't hurt so much. We built sand turtles on the beach last month and Harrison was insistent that we add a fifth turtle with wings, so Whitney can be with us. Her collar with her tags and square photo of her hangs from the review mirror in my car. Every time the breeze blows her tags jingle. Anyone who has had a pet knows this sound, you undeniably can't forget it.

There is so much of life we just wish you could control. The amount of time we have here isn't one of them. Obviously God needed Whitney more than we did, though I am still searching for the reason, perhaps I have already circled it a dozen times, but someday this will all make sense.


Miss you everyday. Happy First Birthday in Heaven Whitney Dog.

 

It gets harder before it gets better.

She's was not just a dog...she was my best friend.

I sit and write when I am consumed with emotions. I've been on the verge of breaking all week. I really need to carve out a little "me" time once in a while to just have a good cry. That happened tonight.

Why is this so hard? Why? Why? WHY?

I don't know if I have been living in denial she's been gone for 2.5 months? If losing my job clouded my grief, if it's the holidays or a combination of all 3 that has brought me to where I am at right now.

I'm trying to find words to even describe how hard it is to look photos of her, yet I force myself too, because I never want to forget her and the 9 years of memories we made with her.

All of her Christmas ornaments line the top of the Christmas tree (she got a new ornament every year). Her collar with tags hangs on the rearview mirror of my car. Sometimes when fan is blowing her tags catch wind and jingle and there for a split second she's with me.

There isn't a morning that I don't miss the pitter patter of her feet on our bedroom floor as she excitedly waited for someone to get out of bed.

I miss her thinking I was her world. I swear she used to look at me as if I hung the moon and stars. She would do anything for me.

Since she has been gone---I've spent everyday wanting her back, not forever, but just a little longer. Maybe this is where I am going wrong...because I could spend the next 100 days doing the same and not moving forward.

Maybe I don't want to move forward because I want to miss her, because missing her means I am not forgetting her.

I am here to say grief sucks... it pulls you in so many different directions that you end up feeling like you are on a Tilt-A-Whirl and not just that 2 minute carnival version.

I hope doggy heaven is a wonderful place.

Missing you my Whitney Dog.