Puddles.

April showers bring May flowers.... Or thunder snow? The weather for this month has been up and down. The day night after we took these puddle photos, it snowed... AGAIN.

We had been on a stretch of warmer days after days and days of cold and rain---but now that rain and cold snuck back in. So it maybe just be another couple of hot cocoa days this week.

 

Front Porch.

My dream house someday would be a hobby farm out in the country. I have always had a fascination for old farm houses in the country with big wrap around porches... I think I get this from my mom.

We bought our current home 10 years ago. It's been a work in progress. There are some things I love about big old houses---one of them being front porches. My mom bought me this porch swing 8 years ago for my birthday. I actually put it together myself, stained it and after missing the studs a "few" times (whoops) it was hung.

This is one of my favorite places during the summer. This just past weekend I curled up with the Ipad and fell asleep out there. It's pretty awesomely peaceful.

We also watch a lot of storms on the front porch. Last week I believe it poured everyday, all day for about 5 days straight.

Here is a glimpse at one of our storm watching days.


There is just something about an old house, front porch, falling rain, & thunder.

 

 

Realism.

It's been over two months since the last entry. This isn't me... Well it seems these days I don't know who me really is anymore. It's no doubt it was a really long, long winter. It's also been another 2 months of living day by day, hoping and praying for something good to happen for our family. I have to admit I have lost a lot of faith in God and have really started doubted him. It's probably not the best time feel this way, but is anytime really a good time?  I am sure I am being judged by everyone for saying this, feeling this, but I am ok with that. This is me (I think), this is where I am in life and where I am going... I have no idea.

Living life each day at time...It's easier said than done. When I lost my job 17 months ago not only did life change, I changed. It's been good, it's been bad, and it's been really bad. I have spent the last year and half applying for jobs---last count I was at over 35 resumes sent out. Nothing. Today I applied for 3 more jobs. Right on the application of one of position wanted detailed information as to why I was fired. To be brutally honest it sucks. I am a good person who deserves good job opportunity. I am educated, experienced but none of that matters when you have been fired. Fired for something I didn't even do... something I could never explain myself to because I was fired before I even given the chance to.  I am pretty much un-hire-able (yes I think I just made up that term). No one wants a Social Worker that can take decent photos.  Apparently there isn't a hot market for those qualities. They say the unemployment rate in Minnesota is as lowest---well if you read more detailed it's the lowest because many people have just stopped looking for work. I can see why... And what's available for jobs won't even cover daycare expenses or requires weekend work in which Doug works every single weekend already... I think I have greater odds willing the lottery than I do landing a quality job.

Where do I go from here? Up/down? Probably in circles.

All of this probably didn't help that Doug became unemployed the same time I did. That is the day we kissed our savings goodbye and moved to survival mode. It's the cutting the grocery bill in half and just making it work---it's trying to figure out do you pay electricity or water bill this month...It's the not being able to drive to zoo, because extra gas isn't in our budget. There isn't extra of that green stuff anywhere. I remember when $100 didn't seem like much...now $10 feels like $100. Money was never anything we really paid attention too before job loss. Now, it's all I ever think about. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Life isn't supposed to be easy...so I guess it's supposed to be hard? I never imagined I would be in this place in life and if I had imagined it, it would never be for this long.

I am so glad I have these two little boys in my life that hold me together, even when I am falling apart. I'm  glad they are so young, they don't realize what is going on and everyday is just an awesome new day.

 

Napping.

I haven't been really good at pulling out the camera over the last few weeks. I'll blame it on the cold that I've complained about in the last two posts below.

But I did happen to pull it out this day to capture some serious fort building or more like nap house making.

 

Spring Fever.

Can you relate to this photo? If so... your either a super cool mom that lets your kids jump on the bed or you a sympathetic mom that lets your kids jump on the bed because there is 6 inches of snow on the ground in subzero temperatures with nothing to else do.

 



Below is what it looked like before I ran down to switch the laundry. So sweet an innocent just looking through their library books. Now it's the time of the year where I am like, "do whatever you want as long as you aren't fighting."

 

Ice Skating.

It's sort have been boring around here... It's definitely feeling like winter has been going on for at least 9 months now. And it's getting to the point of coldness that our home is starting too resemble a slightly more flattering prison cell. Really, only true Minnesotans can understand what the months of January and February do to a person.

We have been trying to keep busy with weekly trips to the children's museum, library, doing pinterest projects and getting outside when we can (which hasn't been often).  A couple weeks ago temperatures soared to 37 degree (be jealous) so we decided to take the kids ice skating for the first time. Harrison had been asking for weeks to try it. Our lake rents out skates which is an awesome added bonus since his feet are still growing.

When we got on the ice....Harrison didn't want to try skating anymore. This didn't surprise me. He is the kind have kid that gets so pumped up about things and then when they actually happen he is reserved or doesn't even want to try. I call this behavior "need a kick in the butt." He really does...he would never try half the things he does if we didn't push him to at least try and by "trying" I mean actually put effort into it. Once we got past the point of "I can't do it," the rest of skating was enjoyable. The first thing he asked when as our evening ended was, "Can we come back again?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

First born.

It's hard to believe that this guy is entering kindergarten this fall. Five years ago I wasn't a mom. I always remembering wanting kids one day...for sure one, maybe two, definitely not three.

Things change after your first is born and suddenly you can't imagine or hardly remember life pre-kids. I'm sure I looked better, actually slept and wasn't up blogging at 2 am :). So, so much is different that if I were to name everything I wouldn't go to bed tonight...but lets just say it's a good different.

I admit I struggle with going back and forth with someday will there be a #3? Two is enough for Doug and he's made that clear from day Miles was born. But on the day Miles was born... that first look into his eyes, new life, new start new everything is so completely and utterly amazing. I can't help but want to feel that feeling again and bring to the world new life.

I'm 30. I figure I have roughly 6-8 more years to decide whether to have another baby or not (and convince my decided husband). So it was a bit of a reality check at my doctors appointment when my doctor said, "you should decide pretty soon if you want to have another baby given your age."

After I got over the initial OMG. I did a little study on statistics and fertility and it is a reality that 30 is downfall to reproductively not to mention I am super high risk and I am someone who actually has to try to get pregnant. All odds against me.

This makes me a little sad. Reality sucks sometimes.

However in talking to my doctor he said, it's rare, even after a women gets her tubes tied not to want or ever not have urge or want to have another baby. I never really thought about it this way. I have friends who just say they just knew they were done and I have others teetering in the same spot I am in. Its just a realization if there is ever a baby #3 someday it's likely I still would come back to this very same feeling/place. Damn these women hormones.

For now... I need to know that it's ok with not even knowing if I (we) will ever be done having kids, life will decide that.








 

Dear Moms

It's hard work raising kids. You know you hear this at least a dozen, hundred, even thousand times before you have kids.

Well those people were right. It's really, really freaking hard. I read an amazing article Dear Mom's you are stronger than you think  that pretty much sums of just how crazy life can be and how much you sometimes feel like you are failing as a parent. I totally promise the read is worth it and awesome pick me up especially after your two year old empties a entire tube of tooth paste on the carpet, followed by half a bottle of hair gel and then opens an entire jug of apple juice on the floor within a half hour, true story---so don't ask about my Friday.

In the end... I love these boys to pieces. They just make me a little crazy :)

 

Epic Painting.

This session... I can't say how awesome, amazing, wonderful, epic and memorable this was. I'm finally getting around to posting these. Seriously, seriously best Tuesday night fun, ever.

This idea came off of Pinterest, but we put our own twist on it making it ours. As much as I try to capture the kids lives (and they love seeing photos of themselves), I find myself hardly ever making an appearance in a photo. In a way it's like they have an invisible mom. I wanted a fun session to capture what our everyday life resembles. Life is crazy, it's messy, it's fun. We tickle, we laugh and we do it all it again (with a few meltdowns, time outs in-between---keeping it real).

I saved a few pieces of the paper from the session and one day when I actually print a few of these I'll frame a little of the art work with the photos.

I think session maybe worth repeating each January. Love my boys.

Epic Painting

 

 

 

Happy 5th NICU Anniversary!

January 19, 2015



5 years ago.

It's been 5 years already, but if I close my eyes, only for a minute I can put myself right back in the NICU next to a tiny baby. It's something that I will never forget.

The day Harrison was born was the scariest day in my life. I knew nothing about prematurity and I knew nothing about having a baby. Basically it was NICU boot camp the minute this guy was born.

I know God had a plan for me, Harrison and our family... Life works crazy that way.

I learned more about life in those 52 days he spent in the NICU than I learned in my first 25 years of life. I could speak medical fluently, I lived by my NICU bible and I opened up my heart to God wider than I ever thought possible.

The day Harrison came home from the NICU is day very much like the day he was born. It was scary, really freaking scary... but at the same time this became happiest day in my life.

As always we celebrated with his NICU VET  anniversary with cake and this year for fun... Trick candles (should have videoed this).

 

5 year NICU VET

 

5 Year Well Check

Well here it is... the last "baby" milestone checkup. So hard to believe this guy is going to kindergarten this fall. I'm not ready and he's told me he isn't ready, so we both need to get on same boat by September. Oh yeah and pick a school.

We had kindergarten required immunizations done. Ugh. I was dreading these, wishing we would have done them last year. I really didn't know how to break the news that he needed to get a shot (well actually 2---OOPS my bad) at the appointment. I fought with even telling him at all...Telling him when we got there or telling him the night before. Seriously all these choices all had their perks, but when it came down to it I told him the night before. I am too honest of a person and if I knew I was going to get poked and it would probably hurt I would want to know a head of time.

After the 20 minutes of crying and pleading with me not to get a shot I found a you tube video of Sid (the science kid) needed to get a shot. After this he seemed pretty cool with "everything" until we got there of coarse. He even did just fine talking to the nurse and getting weighed and height measured (btw he's the highest in the percentiles as he has ever been 36% for height and 39% for weight), but after we actually got in the room cooperation pretty much stopped. He did tell me before we left the house he wanted to get his shot done for so it would be done. I guess he is my kind of guy, just get done with hard stuff first. Though I should have known this because he always does the "hard" part of his school work books before he does the easy side!

Overall the doctor's appointment could have gone better, it could have gone worse. Once his doctor came in, he was a little more Harrison and when I say a little, I mean a teeny weeny little bit.

We found out he still has a tube left in his left ear... which is awesome because usually the most mileage you get out of tubes is maybe 12-18 months and we are going on over 2 years and his left is his bad ear! The right is out and just hanging in the ear canal. They will both eventually work their way out at some point.

We discuss his eyes/glasses a bit and obviously he pediatrician isn't and eye doctor so he didn't have any more information about his exact eye condition that I STILL don't understand. It's call midline crossing. I explained to him I am thinking of seeking a second opinion, not because I don't think his eye doctor is qualified, that's not at all, but to be frank...Her bed side manner sucks. She especially sucks with kids. How she ended up in peds I don't know. Our doctor said he's actually heard a bit of the same from other clients and gave us a recommendation to another eye doctor in peds that is awesome and he has 3 kids of his own, so lots of own personal experience with kids.

His heart, lungs, belly are all normal. We also got good news that he is getting arches in his feet. This is actually not good, but awesome news! He was really flat footed last appointment and his doctor is very please with the progress he has made on his own getting these arches and building muscle tone. When you are born premature, you pretty much spend the first 5-6 years of your life trying to build up muscle tone that is comparable to an non premature child. Way to go buddy, just another thing you are awesome at! I can hardly believe that on Monday marks 5 years since we brought him home from the hospital.

The shots sucked. I think he would have done better if they could have been done a little more on his terms. He was fine with getting the shots done in his legs, but they wanted him to lay down and me hold him down. Obviously Harrison was fine with hugging me, but he didn't want anything to do with lying down. I even said to the nurses, "I think he would do better just sitting upright and I will hold on to him."  Their response was, "he will be more relaxed lying down for the shots." Relaxed? I am freaking holding down this kid and your telling me his muscles are more relaxed because I holding him down on the table? He was more upset about lying down than getting the shots for goodness sake. I honestly don't know if he really even felt the shots because he was too angry he had to lie down. It all worked out... The shots are over and the next time he gets another one won't be any time soon! We do the flu mist here and we are sticking with that.

If you ask Harrison the best part of the appointment it was getting the prizes. He did get a really cool color changing pencil---so the shots just might have been worth it.

After the appointment we headed to Hobby Lobby to pick up white boards for the kids and then stopped at the mall for blizzards are DQ and stopped at the play place. Seriously Miles scores big when Harrison has appointments. Even today he scored a bouncy ball and a sucker without even having to get his hair cut. Being second born obviously has it's advantages.


 

Toddler art rocks.

I admit I am not the best at imaginative play... No matter how hard to try to Wonder Woman, a transformer, or a Ninja Turtle--it's just not my favorite and I'm no good at it. I'm surprised they keep even asking me to play (I'm really that bad)! Obviously it's not a strength I carry in parenting, but thank goodness Doug is much better in this department. I am better at the artsy, pinterest, and baking thing.

Both boys like structure. On the days Harrison is home it's always, "What are we going to do next?" He thrives when I have our days planned out. Some days I am way more organized than others. I try to pick one activity in the morning and one in the afternoon or right after dinner. The other time is filled hopefully with a nap, free play and Harrison works on 2-3 pages of his Kindergarten work book. We don't venture out of the house too much unless it's nice enough for a walk, one of the kids has an appointment or we desperately need something. This obviously saves us money and my sanity! Public places are just not for 2 year olds. :)

So.... this brings us back to our home. This is where we spend our time and doing one of favorite things. Painting.

P.S.: It's just something about the paint on his feet.
P.P.S.: Your only a toddler once, go BIG.