Roller blading.

Earlier this month I picked up a pair of roller blades for Harrison from a local garage sale. When I showed them to him, he was anything but excited. He tried ice skating this past winter and didn't love it because "it was too hard," and he was "scared to fall."  As much as I encouraged him to try the roller blades he told me a firm "no" every time I asked for more than a week.

Then one day we were watching You Tube videos on the IPad... it suddenly came to me. So I typed in something to do with roller blading and almost instantly after watching one, maybe two clips he was on board. Apparently he prefers the seeing to doing things first.

For a first time with skates on he did awesome. However I still wasn't sure he loved it until he asked me 3 more times that day to help put on the skates.

 

Excavation

For the last 10 years we have lived in our house the east side street of our home has needed to be repaved. Again, it didn't make the cut for 2015 and I am definitely not holding my breathe for 2016.

However we have some major, major drainage issues every single time it rains. We have called the city several times. They come out and blame this or that on why the water just sits in the street and because stagnant. Last year we have a terrible bout of these weird bugs all over the boulevard that I am pretty sure hatched out of the left over rain water. Anyways I am sure I have grossed you out by now...but we are top of this, this year and I bound and determined the to stay on top of this EVER happening again.

And yes, our city owns a street cleaner, in fact I believe they own several but not one has swept the east side of house this spring.

Today the water had finally drained out enough to begin sweeping and cleaning the street. However, the road deteriorated immensely over the past winter. We now have a pot hole (aka sink hole) at the end of driveway that is about 2 feet wide and varies in depth from 2-5 1/2 inches deep. The rest of the street is almost just as bad.

 I may have not enjoyed this dirt removal, but this guy sure did.

 

Life as we know it.

Putting my feelings into words has never been so difficult. Most people that know me, know I am hardly ever without words and I am probably one of the most honest person that you'll ever meet.

Many of you have been keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers as our family is going through a very difficult time. I haven't chose go public with things because honestly I haven't been able to put myself together and face this for this a second time.

Doug lost his job earlier this month. Didn't we just go through this 16 months ago? Yep, we did. In the last 18 months we have gone from 2 jobs to 1 job to 0 jobs to 1 job to 0 jobs.

How am I surviving? I don't think I have woken up yet. I walked around the first few days in as if I was a robot. I didn't really feel, think or basically exist on planet Earth. Some days I still feel like I am off somewhere else, but the rest of the days have been filled constant worry and the level anxiety I didn't even know existed. I can't cry anymore because I don't have tears left.

Is this my life, is this as good as it gets? Yep, I question that about 100 times a day. On the road to losing our basic needs of food, clothing and shelter. This is so freaking awesome. A life I have always wanted to live...

I am an angry person right now. But really after everything we have gone through in the last 18 months it's pretty justified. I have had enough lessons that life isn't fair. I get it already. And I have to put my two cents in that the "Minnesota Employment at will" has to be one of the most fucked up systems we have in place in this great state.

Where do we go from here? Well as Dory would put it...."Just keep on swimming, keep on swimming." I am going to continue to battle life even if I feel like I am losing.

Doug and I both have been interviewing. I had phone and two face to face interviews with a potential employer and I am job shadowing later this week at that establishment. I am really hopeful for this position, it's one of the few jobs I have applied for and actually wanted since losing my job. Our community lacks well paying jobs and our neighboring communities haven't had much to offer. The market is pretty bleak.

I have never wanted so bad to feel secure again... It sounds so petty but I miss shopping trips, I miss buying things I wanted, heck I miss buying my favorite make-up remover. This sucks. I shouldn't complain...I KNOW. I should be happy I am a live (though I don't feel like it) and generally speaking I am healthy, but again I don't feel that way. I am sucky mom because I am stressed out all the FREAKING time. I am crappy wife because I am stressed out all the time. They say money doesn't buy happiness... I don't know if I agree with that anymore. I can't say we have hit rock bottom because I am leaving more room failure, struggle and anything else that wants to be thrown in the mix.

I can be a problem solver for everyone else, but when it comes to myself I am helpless. I guess this is the social worker part in me. I just wish I could fix this, fix our situation and just make everything better. I believe in miracles and part of me still really wants to believe in God. I miss feeling like I am living rather than pretending life is ok, because it's not. I remember what it feels like to be happy and I remember what it feels like belly laugh and most of all I remember how it feels to live.

Life isn't about being fair, but it doesn't have to be cruel either.

Photographer Child Syndrome (PCS)

Our boys have a condition called Photographer Child Syndrome or better known as PCS. Harrison suffers from more a severe case, but I am pretty sure I self-inflicted it on him when I learning to shoot from auto to manual. It probably took me one hundred shots to get something that resembled something half way professional.  I was far from a natural when I picked up my first Canon and I still learn something new with every session.

With PCS---the boys would rather do anything than sit for cooperate for photos, but once is very great while this happens.

 

 

 

 

And kudos to myself....I printed some the digitals.

 

 

 

Puddles.

April showers bring May flowers.... Or thunder snow? The weather for this month has been up and down. The day night after we took these puddle photos, it snowed... AGAIN.

We had been on a stretch of warmer days after days and days of cold and rain---but now that rain and cold snuck back in. So it maybe just be another couple of hot cocoa days this week.

 

Front Porch.

My dream house someday would be a hobby farm out in the country. I have always had a fascination for old farm houses in the country with big wrap around porches... I think I get this from my mom.

We bought our current home 10 years ago. It's been a work in progress. There are some things I love about big old houses---one of them being front porches. My mom bought me this porch swing 8 years ago for my birthday. I actually put it together myself, stained it and after missing the studs a "few" times (whoops) it was hung.

This is one of my favorite places during the summer. This just past weekend I curled up with the Ipad and fell asleep out there. It's pretty awesomely peaceful.

We also watch a lot of storms on the front porch. Last week I believe it poured everyday, all day for about 5 days straight.

Here is a glimpse at one of our storm watching days.


There is just something about an old house, front porch, falling rain, & thunder.

 

 

Realism.

It's been over two months since the last entry. This isn't me... Well it seems these days I don't know who me really is anymore. It's no doubt it was a really long, long winter. It's also been another 2 months of living day by day, hoping and praying for something good to happen for our family. I have to admit I have lost a lot of faith in God and have really started doubted him. It's probably not the best time feel this way, but is anytime really a good time?  I am sure I am being judged by everyone for saying this, feeling this, but I am ok with that. This is me (I think), this is where I am in life and where I am going... I have no idea.

Living life each day at time...It's easier said than done. When I lost my job 17 months ago not only did life change, I changed. It's been good, it's been bad, and it's been really bad. I have spent the last year and half applying for jobs---last count I was at over 35 resumes sent out. Nothing. Today I applied for 3 more jobs. Right on the application of one of position wanted detailed information as to why I was fired. To be brutally honest it sucks. I am a good person who deserves good job opportunity. I am educated, experienced but none of that matters when you have been fired. Fired for something I didn't even do... something I could never explain myself to because I was fired before I even given the chance to.  I am pretty much un-hire-able (yes I think I just made up that term). No one wants a Social Worker that can take decent photos.  Apparently there isn't a hot market for those qualities. They say the unemployment rate in Minnesota is as lowest---well if you read more detailed it's the lowest because many people have just stopped looking for work. I can see why... And what's available for jobs won't even cover daycare expenses or requires weekend work in which Doug works every single weekend already... I think I have greater odds willing the lottery than I do landing a quality job.

Where do I go from here? Up/down? Probably in circles.

All of this probably didn't help that Doug became unemployed the same time I did. That is the day we kissed our savings goodbye and moved to survival mode. It's the cutting the grocery bill in half and just making it work---it's trying to figure out do you pay electricity or water bill this month...It's the not being able to drive to zoo, because extra gas isn't in our budget. There isn't extra of that green stuff anywhere. I remember when $100 didn't seem like much...now $10 feels like $100. Money was never anything we really paid attention too before job loss. Now, it's all I ever think about. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Life isn't supposed to be easy...so I guess it's supposed to be hard? I never imagined I would be in this place in life and if I had imagined it, it would never be for this long.

I am so glad I have these two little boys in my life that hold me together, even when I am falling apart. I'm  glad they are so young, they don't realize what is going on and everyday is just an awesome new day.

 

Napping.

I haven't been really good at pulling out the camera over the last few weeks. I'll blame it on the cold that I've complained about in the last two posts below.

But I did happen to pull it out this day to capture some serious fort building or more like nap house making.

 

Spring Fever.

Can you relate to this photo? If so... your either a super cool mom that lets your kids jump on the bed or you a sympathetic mom that lets your kids jump on the bed because there is 6 inches of snow on the ground in subzero temperatures with nothing to else do.

 



Below is what it looked like before I ran down to switch the laundry. So sweet an innocent just looking through their library books. Now it's the time of the year where I am like, "do whatever you want as long as you aren't fighting."

 

Ice Skating.

It's sort have been boring around here... It's definitely feeling like winter has been going on for at least 9 months now. And it's getting to the point of coldness that our home is starting too resemble a slightly more flattering prison cell. Really, only true Minnesotans can understand what the months of January and February do to a person.

We have been trying to keep busy with weekly trips to the children's museum, library, doing pinterest projects and getting outside when we can (which hasn't been often).  A couple weeks ago temperatures soared to 37 degree (be jealous) so we decided to take the kids ice skating for the first time. Harrison had been asking for weeks to try it. Our lake rents out skates which is an awesome added bonus since his feet are still growing.

When we got on the ice....Harrison didn't want to try skating anymore. This didn't surprise me. He is the kind have kid that gets so pumped up about things and then when they actually happen he is reserved or doesn't even want to try. I call this behavior "need a kick in the butt." He really does...he would never try half the things he does if we didn't push him to at least try and by "trying" I mean actually put effort into it. Once we got past the point of "I can't do it," the rest of skating was enjoyable. The first thing he asked when as our evening ended was, "Can we come back again?"