"I want to go to the beach."

"Momma, I want to go to the beach."

Oh goodness...explaining winter, explaining the season, explaining the cold to a 4 year old. I hear this once a week at least, "Momma I want to go to the beach." My response...always the same. "Buddy, it's too cold, you need to wait for all the snow to melt and for it to be summer and warm again." Then comes the "but Momma I want to." I can totally sympathize with him, 100%. I am done with winter. Heck I was done before it got here. And just to put it out there on the table....I am never one of those people that complains summer is too warm. Bring it on, the hotter the better. I am convinced I was born into the wrong climate.

Move? Ugh....easier said than done. We need our family, we need our friends closer than a phone call away, closer than face time, closer than a plane ride. They are totally worth sacrificing 3-5 months of misery a year. Yes, yes you reading this. But... if you ever want to a consider a move down south at anytime (preferably the Carolinas) we wouldn't be opposed. Trading this white fluffy snow for white sandy beaches, absolutely. It would be living two dreams at once....#1. Living in a warm beach climate #2. Taking photos on the beach all day along. Hard life I know...but I think we would manage.

But for now.... Dream vs. Reality

 

Quietness.

At 15 months it's rare to capture a photo of a kid without A. a toy B. food/boogers/drool on their face C. eating D. any sort of eye contact

So...what's left? This.

Sleeping is one of my favorite captures. Its the peacefulness, it's the quietness...it's the perfection of the moment.

 

Feel Good.

This is a feel good post. A post that takes you to your elementary desk.

Yeah, remember when the teacher came by with that big glob of shaving cream? First you would practice your spelling words and them you would clean your desk.

Those were the days.

Today we cracked down to TV time. It feels like we have been living in an igloo for three months now. Winter is so long. It's turning us into couch potatoes. Well before we start growing eyes, we decided we need to encourage more activities (more Pinterest) and more structure to our days, especially on the days the kids are home.

Harrison goes to pre-school 3 days a week and Miles goes to daycare 2 days a week. I know it's not in my cards to be a full time stay at home mom, it's not. I am no super mom and I totally convinced if your kids aren't in preschool or daycare, you are a super mom. Our kids need daycare and pre-school. We need a break from each other and I am not ashamed to admit that. I like idea they are going part time....it's giving me the best of both worlds...time for me to be an awesome mom and time for me pursue my passion and keep the house in semi-order.

So here is to a beginning of no more couch potatoeism.

Holding on.

No news is good news would be the typical norm...But when your waiting for that call, that interview, that job offer that could somehow turn your life back "normal" or a "new normal."

Waiting... All day, everyday.

Yesterday was the call of bad news. "The position has been filled." The part of me that held on to all the hope, all the trust, all of my everything died. I've lost trust...Trust of security, trust of life, trust of people. Trust is something we use everyday in life...we can't really get by without it.

I told Doug the other day... I don't care how "well off" we ever become. I never want a brand new house, fancy car, or to be wined and dined and everything else that goes with being "well off." You know why? Life is so unpredictable. I would never want to have a huge mortgage on a house and wake up one day in this very same nightmare. The reality of this...is it could happen to ANYONE. I look at all the stay at home moms out there who rely on just one income to pay the bills. If a spouse losses a job that's everything for them. So no...I am not asking you to take pity on us for the situation we are in. I know there are other people in the very same situation as we are. This is because bad things happen to good people.

Some days I want to cry all day. Some days I am so angry that I just wish the people responsible for this would feel just once ounce of the pain that I am enduring everyday. Each day I pray to make through the day holding myself together. I pray for a future where I have trust. I pray for a future that will give me a blanket to my fears.

I know God has a plan for us. And in reality we should probably be thanking him for turning our lives in this tornado. Turning us away from people who care for no one but themselves. Call me crazy...but I some how picture the Ghosts of "past", "present" and "future," visiting them.

Yesterday was an emotional day. It's like no matter how hard I tried to stop crying, I couldn't. It also marked one month since this nightmare began. (I guess I hadn't realized this until I sat down to write this entry.) 30 days, 4 weeks...however you want to put it... The reality is, this is crap. I want to wake up. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to cry anymore.

There is such a stigma with being fired. It's like you are this awful human being. There must be something wrong with you, you are unemployable. That is the furthest from the truth. For those of who do hiring/firing listen up (I was once you)---Terminated, fired, let go, are just labels. It's so easy to just slap a label on people and continue on in your life while an employable person continues to tread water waiting for an opportunity for someone who doesn't judge them because they don't know their story, someone who doesn't label them because someone else did.

It's a scary world we live in. This hardship has opened my eyes wider than they have ever been. This has to be part of God's plan. As many times I feel like cursing everything in my life, wishing that I didn't live this life, that I was someone else, living somewhere else, happy. But...the truth is, I am happy. Maybe not every minute of everyday, but my family, my friends, my passions are a part of my life and that is real happiness. For everything else...that's just stuff.

Holding on.

 

More than just a photo.

Photos are like songs, movies or a good book. They don't only preserve memories, but they can sweep you up and take you far away.

Even looking at this photo for a split second everything around me pauses and for that moment everything seems just right. There isn't worry, anxiety, frustration, anger; there is just peace.

 

4 years post NICU

Last Sunday marked 4 years since Harrison graduated from the NICU. This called for a celebration (like we have done the past 3 years)....and what is a celebration without cake and presents? January 19 will always and forever hold a special place in our hearts...It's the first day our family lived a life outside of hospital doors.

Keep going buddy, keep amazing us everyday.

 

4 Year NICU Vet

I can't believe tomorrow it's been 4 years since we brought you home from the hospital. The 52 days we spent in the NICU were some of the scariest days in our life. Just thinking about this sends tears pouring down my cheeks. We are so lucky to have you. So blessed we were chosen to be the parents of a premature baby. Tomorrow we will celebrate that day you came home as we have for the past 3 years already. You will get the "big present" you have been asking for with cake AND ice cream as requested... This is your day Harrison... The day you became a NICU graduate. Happy Anniversary "Big Guy."

I know I shared this article a while ago via facebook, but it hits me just as hard no matter how many times I read it. If you know anybody that can relate, please share this post.


I've had two babies in the NICU.  The trauma of seeing your beautiful newborn attached to life support, breathing apparatus, IV's in every appendage, can leave a wound that never truly heals.

My darling boy at 3-4 weeks

While my second NICU baby was hospitalized, I felt angry every time I saw a healthy baby.  Every time I saw a pregnant woman.  I would instantly judge them, and think to myself - they don't deserve their baby as much as I do.

It's hard to admit that's what I thought, but it's the truth.  My brain and my heart aren't always in synch.

I would see a newborn crying in their carseat in the grocery store and want to take the child out, comfort him/her and scold the mother for not knowing how lucky she was.  I would see pregnant women outside the hospital smoking, and want to scream "I did everything right and have a sick child - your child will probably be healthy and you don't even care enough to quit smoking!!!"

These thoughts didn't help me.  I knew they were wrong, and tried being extra kind to the women I was secretly loathing.  Kindness is always the answer, by the way.

I'm writing this to say to all the Mothers like me, I'm glad it was you.  I'm glad it was me.  

A week after being discharged from the NICU we were back in the hospital with heart failure.  When I was in the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) there was a darling little girl in the room next to us.  During our 8 day stay, I saw her mother once.  She was there for half an hour.   That precious 11 month old girl was in a crib, in her room, by herself - 24 hours a day.  No Mommy singing to her.  No one letting her out of her crib to play with the toys that littered the room like a sad reminder of the life she should have been having.  Nurses would chat with her when they were checking stats, administering meds, etc. but they were busy with so many patients they couldn't devote much time to her.  

A volunteer came to my room, offering to cuddle my baby if I wanted to leave for a shower or take a lunch break.  I politely declined, but asked why she wouldn't be in the room next door with the little one who was always on her own.  She informed me that her mother forbid others to go in and play with her daughter.  She didn't want anyone else bonding with her little girl.  

I cried.

I stayed with my baby, night and day, and my other children would come visit us during the day.  Their hearts broke for the little girl next door.  She was in isolation, but that didn't stop them from standing at her door singing songs, and dancing to entertain her.  My two year old had to be pulled from that doorway.  Forced away.  She wanted to sing and play peek-a-boo non-stop with the baby on her own.  My older sons cried for her, unable to understand how something so wrong could be allowed in plain view. 

I'm not sharing this with you because there was a happy ending.  I don't know what happened to that little girl.  I'm sharing this with you to help ease the struggle some of us with sick children have.  Be glad it's you.  A Mom who puts everything on hold to care for their poorly child.  A Mom who cares enough to sit sleeping upright in uncomfortable hospital chairs.  A Mom who is there to listen to doctors, specialists, nutritionists, nurses on how they feel your little one is doing.  

Be thankful that a sick child, who needs love more than ever, has YOU.  

It's hard to hold down a little arm while a needle goes in.  It's heartbreaking to watch a little one be sedated to help them deal with the pain they are experiencing.  It's physically exhausting to tend to the needs of someone who is helpless, letting your needs come secondary or not at all.  

It's more difficult to know that there are children without a Mom like you.  Alone for bedtime.  Alone for needles.  Alone for doctors coming in and out.  

Take a deep breath Mommies.  You are the best thing that ever happened to your child.  You know them better than any doctor, you care for them better than any nurse, and you love them like no other.  Be thankful your child has you, and keep up the good work.  

- I know there are many fathers who can relate to this, who care for their children when they are sick.  My husband is one of those fathers.  I am not trying to exclude you.  I wanted to address moms.  There is something deep within the heart of a mother that feels responsible for their child being sick.  Something we ate during pregnancy.  Something we did.  Something we thought!  Secretly festering in the depths of our hearts is the fear that we brought a helpless child in to this world to suffer.  We can barely admit it to ourselves, let alone any other living soul.  I know you fathers are the ones holding things together.  Taking the other children to the library so they have some "normal" in their lives.  Getting oil changes.  Managing life so that Moms like me can stay by their child's side.  You are every bit as important as the Mom - believe me, you are.  I just wanted to reach out to who I know, who I can definitely say - yes, I relate to that.  If my husband ever writes a post like this, he can address it to Dads and Dads only.  Keep up the good work Daddies - I know this world would crumble without decent fathers who do the right thing when it is the hard thing.  -

 

Chaos, Reality, Life.

It's amazing how you can share the same house, heck share the same bed with someone and still not ever really talk about anything other than household chores, bills, kids and catch an occasional show saved to the DVR.

There has chaos over the last few weeks...there have been moments of laughter, crying, anger, hope and everything else in between. If I wrote saying our life wasn't complicated with both husband and wife unemployed I would be lying. There is that constant worry of tomorrow, the next day, a week from now, a month from now...But I have found it easier to take life minute by minute rather than picturing the future. I'm not saying this always keeps the focus off of "making the house payment," "feeding a family of 4, "putting gas in the cars." But if this is all I ever focused on, I know wouldn't get out of bed everyday. Our everyday focus is these two amazing boys who keep us going every. single. day.

Today I sat down an starred a long time at this photo. It's my favorite photo ever and it's not because of the perfection, but the imperfection that makes perfection. This is our last photo with Whitney Dog taken back in May 2013 by Bliss Photography. This was a time we were we both employed, our family felt so much more complete with Whitney in our lives...Life well seemed so much simpler. Will life ever be like this again? I'm not sure. I am scared beyond belief what the future holds. I guess we never know what the future holds, but the future seemed so much brighter when our life was more put together.

Happiness.

Doug and I do a lot of talking... In one of our many conversations about spending more time with the kids Doug said to me, "You know how much I missed of our kids growing up, like the little things---all the new sounds Miles makes, how much Harrison has learned... I missed it by working. I told him that was the first thing I noticed when I lost my job and started to keep them home a few days a week from daycare/preschool. I couldn't believe how much I didn't even know my own kids....honestly and brutally that first moment I was like "holy shit."

It's never too late to "start over." I was home with Miles to watch him take his firsts steps. I have spent countless hours putting out fires all over our house with Harrison. Kids are really the best medicine in life. I know Doug feels the same way...he has spent hours fixing things with Harrison and acting "crazy" chasing after Miles.

I think I can speak for both Doug and I in saying... We know each other better than we have in years. When we were both working we were lucky to get past the "How was your day?" part of daily conversations to actually talking about life. And when I say talk about life, we talk about more than just our kids. It's a whole new territory after being a slave to our jobs for years.

This all really makes you re-think the years and devotion you put in to your career took you so far away from the important things in life. Yeah you kind have thought you were missing things, but when you face reality right there in front of you, with no where to run you ask yourself, "Was that the career for me?"

I'm not saying, "hey quit your job and stay home," but what I am saying is don't pour your heart in sole into a job... but in the end, it will always be just a job. Take your heart and sole and focus on the things you have that are there regardless you get a pay check or not.

I have had a lot of people say to me, "hey you shouldn't blog about that." "You put too much information on your blog entries etc." But when I blog, I have nothing to hide. Whether you want to admit it or not you can probably relate to a lot of what I say in my posts. Some people like my brutal honesty, some people think I should hide it. Over the last couple of weeks I feel like I am starting to sound more like "me" again in my entries. I think it felt like I needed to walk on egg shells on what I wrote and who read it...but I am here to say I don't care, judge me... If everyday was puppy dogs and rainbows I'd be living on Sesame Street, but I live in the real world.





 

Miles @ 15 Months (aka Our Tornado)

These days our home resembles a tornado. I have actually been taking photos to remember that for a few split seconds when our house didn't look like a Toys R Us tornado. Kids are awesome no matter how much they trash your house. :) I guess I understand why my mom said, "I'm not buying new furniture until all of you kids move out." Thanks mom, that is one tip I will be taking.

Onward in the whirlwind tornado (aka Miles). Nothing, I mean nothing is safe from being dispensed in a garbage can, toilet or a bath tub full of water. He is a magnet to them all. I feel like I have grown a few extra eyeballs to keep an eye on this child (seriously....I mean seriously). I thought his brother broke us in, apparently not. :) You can eat as many Blodeows donuts as you want because you never sit down long enough to let one calorie stick to you. I guess this is maybe why he can out eat everyone one of us.

Getting around these days...there is minute crawling, little walking and a whole lotta running. It's like fast and faster speed, thus the tornado analogy I have beaten down with this entry.

Oh goodness... This kid makes us laugh so hard. He knows he is funny and he totally goes for drawing in his audience. Dinner time is a probably a favorite of mine. Not only is he entertaining to watch since he doesn't attempt to use a single food utensil besides the occasional weapon as he flings it across the room. It's really the faces and squeals he makes that makes you come back for more. This week he discovered jumping outside of his crib, which is pretty cool to watch because he can almost get both feet completely off the ground. Harrison was just learning to walk at 15 months so this is so different for us. Maybe it's age appropriate? I have no idea. I used to read those developmental books and e-mails, but it seems these days those books are collecting dust and my e-mail in boxs gets deleted. Poor Miles, definitely getting the shaft....But then again not really, he has 2 times the cool toys to play with than his brother did, so that's a win. I'm sure he will turn out just fine if I don't read the developmental books and e-mails---worse case he could end up like his dad (ha ha just seeing if you were paying attention).

Kitty cats. Miles loves our kitties, or I should say their tails. These cats would not be nearly as popular without those tails. If Miles sees a kitty enter the room he immediately starts to scream his happy scream (I need to get video of this). I mean every single time he has a show stopping happy kitty scream. Even if I am not in the room I can now recognize the "kitty scream." Poor kitties, they now have another enemy in the house besides the dog.

His blanket, the remote, a car, a hair brush, you name it...it's a phone. Miles loves to turn every object into a telephone (I'm sure texting will be next). I think I even caught him saying "Hello" tonight. He hasn't been much for words besides babbling and he will repeat "Momma and Dada." Doug is convinced he will be an earlier talker than Harrison (who didn't talk until he was 3)---I'm not as convinced. I am still holding on to hope that his sign language skills will pick up, so we have better communication. More signing = less screaming = less stress. I think this will be also helpful for when he transitions out of the infant room the beginning of February.

As with transitioning I have the "mom worry" that all of those other kids look so big, but then I look what Miles and realize his older brother has prepared both him and I for this transition. Not only has his older brother helped both his Momma by going through this same transition a few years ago, but he has also helped Miles get what he wants by having a older brother to go through. Lastly Miles has an amazing toddler teacher Jaclyn who I know will make sure things go well for him. And hopefully when I have to (I mean Miles) do another transition in couple of years he will end up with Harrison's pre-school teacher, Miss Jackie. I know finding daycare is such a stress for new parents. I am glad we really found a nitch at our center.

As for other things these days.... The most popular game both boys want to play is "Come get me." Basically we chase the kids around the house and we are always "it" in the game of tag...But whatever, they LOVE it. Miles seems to be taking to watching whatever it is that is playing on Disney Junior. Although I don't condone watching t.v. at such a young age... a few minutes of rest is always welcomed. I don't think Harrison showed any interested in television until he was at least 2.5. I see a lot of differences in their personalities. As far as appearance...I noticed Miles has a dimple on his right cheek, just like his brother and his Momma. I used to hate having a dimple, but now I embrace it....not everyone has them...and more rare to only have one and even cuter to have dimples on boys. :)

I feel like we have gotten lucky on Miles being fairly healthy this year...I guess thinking it was enough to sabotage it. Call from daycare yesterday with a fever, he slept most of yesterday afternoon/evening. Fever today with a horrible cough and one very, very, very irritable boy.... Thank goodness I took these photos a couple of days ago when he was jumping around, happy boy.

I have a few candid's I need to get up from this month as well... Another new year resolution I should add...More real life photos. Those are the photos that tell a story, but these are almost too adorable for words. And not to mention, the only two photos he let me snag. GO, GO, GO.

15 months Mr. Miles :)

 

 That ginormous smile.

And for a little fun here is a comparison between Harrison & Miles at the same age. So many people say they look a like. I guess I see some resemblance with the white blonde hair, fair skin and blue eyes....But I see so much face shape difference as well as the position of Harrison's eyes vs. Miles.

 

2014 Resolutions

If I blog about it...I have do it then, right?

I've been playing around with the idea of setting New Year Resolution(s) for months...since I (we) failed terribly at the one goal I (we) set last year.

2013 Resolution: Go on a "date" night 1-2 times per month.

Not counting our week long cruise (which was living in heaven on earth) we went on a total of 2, maybe 3 dates tops over the ENTIRE year. If you have two kids under the age of 5, you can most likely relate.

Most dates these days consists of renting a red box, sitting on separate couches with separate containers of popcorn and trying to stay awake during the entire movie (a.k.a married life).

Ok fresh start 2014 this isn't going to happen. There will be 1-2 date nights per month (exhibit A---first new year resolution of 2014).

1. Go on at least 1-2 date (real) date night(s) per month.

2. Shop move savvy, using coupons, discount codes etc. (I was amazed we saved almost $40 in coupons last grocery shopping trip).

3. Carve out at least a hour of everyday life that doesn't include cell phone, computer, television etc.

4. Blog at least 4 entries a month, even if just sharing photos.

5. Clean out my car monthly---it drives me nuts when I have gold fish, cheerios, muddy foot prints, dried candy and stickers in my back seat! I complain about it every time I get in the car.

6. Spend time training Violet puppy. (She's got lots of room for improvement).

7. Photograph at least 80 photo sessions and at least 20 of them newborns sessions.

8. Take a "Me" day once a month.

9. More patience in everything, stop rushing life.

10. Forgive.
 

The "new" year.

2014... We are hoping and praying for a brand new start.

There are good moments and not so good moments. I find myself mad a lot of the time. If I am not mad I am frantically searching for a new future. I haven't taken my camera out since a couple days after Christmas other than to do a few practice shots at the studio. Today I mustered all that I had to edit photos from Christmas Day. It's so weird to think how "normal" life was two weeks ago, or even 3 months ago. There is no normal. There is no regular. I guess I am ok with that....What other choice do I have?

This path we are on right now is a roller coaster of emotions. A part of me just wants to scream at the people that did this to us... A part of me just wishes this nightmare was over. A part of me wants to pray they never end up in this same situation. I would never wish or hope for anyone to be in this place. No matter how unkind and selfish nobody deserves to be treated the way we have been treated.

We are very good people who have had a very bad thing happen to us. Despite all of this...we are not only stronger people but a stronger family. You can take a lot of things away from people, but you can't take away the people that love and care for you.

Good things will come. Better days are head. Day by day, minute by minute things will get better.

Thank you to our prayer warriors.
 

Christmas Day 2013!

Here is a small peek from Christmas Day. It was the first Christmas our little family of four stayed home. The boys opened presents, we had a giant french toast breakfast, laid in our pajamas until noon, played with new toys and went for a walk in the fresh fallen snow...about as peaceful as it gets.

These boys are a constant reminder to keep on smiling.

 Miles was a lot less thrilled to show of his new footie "police man" jammies. He was more like, "turn off the lights and let me go to bed."

 Harrison did his traditional model "new jammie" pose. And he now requests to wear his "fire chief" pajamas every single night. I have went to the lengths of starting to hide them...stating, "Sorry they are dirty tonight."

 

Post #2: Our Elf of the Shelf T-Rex

I'm glad T-Rex (Elf on the Shelf) joined our family this year. Not only did Harrison enjoy his company (Miles is obviously too young), I think us as parents enjoyed his company just as equally. It's going to be fun to see where T-Rex takes our boys in the coming years... This is such fun memory maker that I hope our boys grow up remembering... It's sad to think that we could be considered "bad parents" for doing these little shenanigans at night. Bum hum bug to whoever wrote this article: An open letter to Elf on the Shelf Parents. A first year pass?!? If creativity labels us as bad parents...We are horrible parents. And shame on us for condoning creativity.

This evening while we were in our pajamas, driving around eating popcorn admiring the Christmas lights T-Rex filled the boys stockings along with Violet Puppy's and kitties. With this I am so excited to see their expressions in the morning... Harrison couldn't stop saying, "This is cool." "This is just what I always wanted." "Close your eyes Momma, its a surprise." "Oh wow!."

We are off to bed! Santa's coming... TONIGHT!

Miles @ 14 months

Yikes! I better post a 14 month update before I post a 15 month update. No real excuse I waited so long other than I haven't busted the camera out much this month! I tried a posed Christmas session with him a couple of weeks ago...First I tried him alone, then I thought sitting with Harrison would help...nope and nope, total failure. It's so so so hard photographing your own children.

Anyways I think the traumatic photo session has worn off me enough to grab a few real life images during bath time tonight. This real stuff is what I'm all about. And honestly real life is what I frame. I have one posed photo of Miles and one posed photo of Harrison hanging up in our house and that is it.  Real life rocks.

14 months/12-13-13 (from Miles perspective):

• It's my way or no way.
• Naps are overrated, I sleep when I want, if I want to and however long I want (ha ha Mom, try to schedule around that)
• I'm crabby these days a lot. If you could just pick me up and walk around the house the entire day I would be happy always, promise.
• I can't complain about your cooking, I eat anything your put in front of me...but the service is never fast enough.
• Sometimes when I am having a melt down (one of many) I like when you put me in my crib with some toys (I like that jingling apple the best) for some quiet time. After 15-20 minutes I either fall asleep or let you know I'm ready to get out.
• I love walking, but again only when I feel like it. And for goodness sake, I need a helmet for all of these hard floors... Have you looked at my forehead lately? GEESH.
• I love your phone...It makes me so happy. Actually anything I can make into a phone makes me happy. (check out the photos below)
• Blankets---You keep asking me do I really need to drag two of them with me when I am walking, yes...I do, it's essential no mater how many times I trip over them.
• Oh I love the "I'm going to get you game." It's so funny watching you chase after me.
• I refuse to wear a bib that doesn't tie...those velcro and button ones are not my style.
• I'm not sure I dig this sign language stuff... So for now I'll just sign, "all done."
• As much as I love playing with mom and dad, my older brother is WAY cooler.
• I take every opportunity I can to get through those child safety locks in the kitchen.... it's so much fun taking every. single. thing. out.
• The dog and cat water is irresistible... No matter how many times you tell me to stop, I won't. :)
• And---these teeth...Aren't I supposed to get more than just 4?

Now...for some tremendously cute photos of ME!

 



 

 

I promise to be super cute (& less crabby) so my mom HAS to lug out that camera out and snap more pictures of me.
 

Our Elf on the Shelf, T-Rex

We have a new house guest, T-Rex. He is our Elf on the Shelf.

I always wondered what the big hype was about this $30 book that came with a little stuffed elf. Whenever I asked everyone would tell me, "Read the book."

I read the book. I understand. We now own the movie and watch it almost every night too. We are also considering in adding a "girl" elf next year. So if you still don't understand my words to you are, "Read the book and watch the movie."

Here is what T-Rex has been busy doing for the past 12 days. (I'll post the following 12 days Christmas Eve).

All I can say is T-Rex is awfully busy for such a little elf and he sure hasn't learned to pick up after himself.